Autism
He was Born Autistic
People ask me all the time about my son’s first signs of autism. For some children, it’s textbook. A quick google search returns a lack of or loss of words, struggles with eye contact, or lack of imaginative play. For other kids, the diagnosis doesn’t come so easy. It’s more complicated. Pages full of questions and checkboxes that parents agonize over. Waiting. Worrying. Wondering. I call it the in between space. For us, our sweet boy was born autistic. From the second he was placed in my arms I knew.…
Read MoreStand Still
I used to avoid feeling the worries and fears in my life. For a long time actually. I would run from them. And if they found me, I’d shove them way down deep inside. I’d do everything in my power to not feel them. Or to even stand still because that is when the feelings would find me. I made myself constantly busy. I never sat. I rarely slept. My showers were 2 minutes long. I’d blast the radio in the car. There was far too much too do. And…
Read MoreGrief is Love
Having a child with a disability is a million things. It’s unbelievable joy. It’s seeing and experiencing every single milestone. It’s happiness. It’s feeling the gut wrenching pain of watching them suffer. It’s finding your voice of advocacy. It’s seeing firsthand that bullying exists. It’s seeing resilience. It’s being turned inside out. It’s carrying a weight that most cannot see. It’s wanting to fight. And run. And hurt. And protect. And scream. It’s a million things. It’s so much. So much more. And tonight. For me. It was being 11…
Read MoreThe Best Things Take Time
I get asked a lot about the sibling dynamic in our autism world. It’s honestly probably one of the topics I am asked about the most. It’s also one of my favorites to share about. When Sawyer was 9 months old I watched him fall completely in love with his older brother Cooper. When he was 2, I watched him chase behind him, following as closely as he could only to be ignored. When he was 3 he asked me why his brother didn’t talk. When he was 4 he…
Read MoreAre You Going Through Something Hard Right Now?
Hey friend, Are you going through something hard right now? It doesn’t necessarily matter what it is. Just that it’s hard. And you are struggling. Maybe it’s keeping you up at night. Maybe you find yourself crying in the shower. Maybe you cannot see the bright side. Maybe you don’t know how you will survive this. I get it. I have something in my life too. Something I don’t share a lot about with family or friends. And because of that, that silence, it feels really heavy. Suffocating even. I…
Read MoreA Family of Three
We are spending the day as a family of three. Enjoying our children individually, and speaking to their hearts, is something Cooper’s dad and I try to do when we can. With four kids it can be a challenge. But today, it worked perfect. We took Cooper for a boat ride on the Mississippi River. His most favorite place ever. He loves the wind and when the water splashes him and the trains that go by every 20 minutes like clockwork. He is calm here. At peace. He gasps a…
Read MoreListening With More Than Your Ears
Yesterday, for the first time ever, my 11 year old son was able to tell me that his ear hurt. We were in the drive thru for Starbucks, our happy place. He was pointing out the address numbers on the doors of the shops. 100. 200. 300. He adores numbers. As we communicated about the numbers, me talking and him using his fingers and sounds, his little brother filled in the gaps. ‘Cooper is 11. I’m 3. Sawyer is 9. Mom is…how old are you mom? Maybe 100?’ And then…
Read MoreIt’s a Beautiful Life
I have said for many years that my son Cooper has give me the gift of sight. He is always showing me things. He will stop. Pause. Point. Gasp. Cheer. Clap. Even high five. The moon. A cloud. A train. Tractor. Cow. Bird. Christmas lights. A pumpkin. A man with a beard who looks like Santa. A sign for Target. A commercial for Starbucks. It’s amazing really. These little glimpses into his world and the things he loves. He has taught me to pause and to see. It’s a beautiful…
Read MoreHappy Birthday Grandma
Immediately after Cooper got on the bus yesterday morning I sent this email to his teacher. Good morning! Cooper wanted me to tell you it’s his grandmas birthday tomorrow. He’s very excited. He also has crazy socks on!’ I sent it because he is so excited for his grandma’s birthday he can hardly stand it. Add in crazy sock day and yesterday was the best day ever for him. He gasped and danced and smiled so big all morning. He also asked me more times than I can count to…
Read MoreA Beautiful Combination
My son, I like to write you these little notes so that one day, when I’m old and gray, and my memory isn’t so good, I can remember you. Your life. And us. You are 11. You are a tween. An in-between. When you were diagnosed with autism all those years ago, and the future felt confusing, maybe even a little bit scary, I would wonder what you would be like at this age. Because the teenage years can be interesting. And autism, well it muddles the edges. There are…
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