This morning I walked downstairs to my sweet boy sitting on the couch, surrounded by his treasures. He waved. It was quick though. He was very busy watching his shows. He takes his show watching very serious. Especially on early mornings. ‘Cooper, it’s mom’s birthday today!’ I said. Now I don’t know what I expected. Not words of course. But a cheer. A smile. A gasp. But nothing. He looked back down. It stung. Like a tiny bee sting or a poke in the side. But the pain is duller…
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I committed a pretty big social media mistake once. Well, way more than once since then, but I remember this one specifically because it was my first. It was well over 6 years ago, but I still shake my head at how tone deaf I was. I posted a quote on Instagram to my hundred followers that said something like, ‘I should get a little credit for doing this all unmedicated.’ I thought it was funny, I guess. My followers did not. They lashed out. At first I couldn’t understand…
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As a mama I often feel like my mind is a Rolodex of memories. With four babies, I have so many of them. Births to birthdays, first smiles to first steps. Preschool graduation. Home runs. Road-trips. Some are readily available. Resurfacing often, bringing simultaneous smiles and tear to my eyes. But others, they are buried down deep, seemingly forgotten, until something reminds me. A sound. A smell. Another child. My younger babies doing what the now older ones once did. And there it is. A memory of something not forgotten.…
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My 13-year-old son Declan is non-speaking, autistic and uses an AAC device to communicate. We haven’t moved at all yet Declan is in seventh grade and has already attended twelve different schools. That is a lot of change for someone who doesn’t tolerate routine change well. We love our special education co-op but the lack of a physical school or local classmates takes a giant toll. I wish we had a regular school community and I had the support of parent peers. Overall, we are really isolated. It’s taken me…
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Yesterday, I went on a field trip to the Minnesota Zoo with my oldest son Cooper and his class. It was pretty amazing really. He is 13 and autistic and it’s a really big deal that his class goes on field trips because not all special education programs do. But it’s so good. It’s so good for the kids and the community and the businesses and the parents. Cooper and I walked together every second of the way. We held hands or he held onto my arm. He was never…
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,When I think about that little newborn baby—the first one I birthed, the first true obsession of my life—I recall the haze of sleepless nights and the excitement of new life. Babies are so raw and new; they wholly need you. You carry them and everything they will one day become. The fears, the worries, the hope, the determination. He matters merely because he exists, and to exist is a miracle on its own. Looking at that tiny being, my expectations were simple: health and happiness. But that little baby,…
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My son, I wonder if you will always reach for my hand when we are walking. I wonder if you will always be precious and innocent. I wonder if you will always gasp at birds and at squirrels. I wonder if you will always point to airplanes. And wave to strangers. And bark when puppies walk by. I wonder if you will always run up to a mud puddle with such joy and excitement and then look back to get my attention before you jump in. I wonder if we…
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It’s 64 degrees out today. In April. In Minnesota. The pool is set at 80 degrees. We opened it this weekend. Our second son Sawyer has had multiple friends over to play. They jump. They shoot hoops. They talk baseball and hockey and Fortnite and girls. Our third son Harbor doesn’t leave their side. Not even for a second. He is a shadow to these older boys. I listen. And read. And smile. And referee. And judge jumps. And Cooper, my oldest, he is right there with them. He is…
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There were tantrums, There were fears. There were meltdowns. There were tears. There were hard times We just had to get through, But on the other side—smiles Just look at you! The blessing of seeing Grandparents, Traveling and out of routine. Can be hard at times for you, But it’s so worth it, we believe. Each day is a gift, For that we are thankful, The hard and the good, The painful and the beautiful. There’s so much to be grateful for Each and every minute. Each day has plenty…
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Two years ago, before we understood all that we do now, we were making our way through a very difficult time with our daughter. She was self-harming, and as it is for all families supporting children who have this disposition, we were frantic to help. She was just plain as day, telling me her problem and the solution as though to say, “I am thirsty and am getting a juice box about it.” She said, “Mom, this is where I put the nail so that my bad brains could come…
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