Christmas is supposed to be a joyful time. Pre-autism it was my favorite. I love the decorations and the food and the family. The snow. The coziness. The children opening presents. The list goes on. Christmas was my favorite. It’s different now. Just like everything post autism. There are too many expectations. I used to get sick to my stomach just thinking about it approaching. Except now I have a wild and rambunctious 3 year old who LOVES Christmas. He talks about Santa non-stop and how he is going to…
Dear friends and family, I am sitting here thinking about our relationship. And about how much I love you. And how I rarely see you. We joke that it’s because life is so busy. We have jobs and babies. Life is crazy. And how some day it will be better. We will have more time. One of these days we will actually get together and do something. I’m not sure if that’s entirely true though…at least not for me. We are different. We are friends. We are family. But we…
I wrote a post a few weeks ago about depression. I didn’t really share it around. I kept it kinda private. It’s very hard to be honest in real life about depression. Even today as I read my repost on Breaking the Parenting Mold I struggle to believe I really wrote those words. They are pretty raw. And vulnerable. I am almost embarrassed by them. And worried that people are going to judge me. But, sigh, they are the truth. And I worry about sharing them. Here is the post:…
Holidays are an interesting time for a parent of a child with Autism. And each holiday comes with it’s own unique challenges. There is also the fine line of….’how much do we actually participate?’ Cooper doesn’t understand Halloween. Or costumes. Or Trick-Or-Treating. For starters he is the least greedy kid ever….he will get one piece of candy and be great for the rest of the night. He doesn’t like to walk so the idea of walking from house to house is ridiculous. He would need to be carried or put…
I was scrolling through Facebook today and this post jumped out at me. Let me preface by saying that at one point I liked so many autism type blogs and organizations that now my whole dang news feed is autism. I’ll be honest. That’s depressing. I’ve actually started unfollowing some. It just got to be too much. This one jumped out at me by the National Autism Association. A mother writes, “My 10 year old son with Asperger’s was asked to write a poem for school titled ‘I Am‘ he…
There is a stigma around depression. A really, really ugly one. And I think there is especially a stigma around mother’s who have depression. If you are depressed you are weak. You are broken. You are medicated. You cry a lot. You sleep a lot. This isn’t true. At least not for me. I am not weak. I am freakishly independent. I am not broken…completely. I am not medicated. And I rarely sleep. In saying that…. I just came out of an extremely low few days. Sadness is not an…
I cried on my way to work this morning. Not because I was sad. I cried because being Cooper’s mom turns me into someone I don’t like. I feel trapped. And alone. And so utterly overwhelmed. And like I need to make threats to make his life easier. I don’t ever feel like I’m doing enough. Or the right thing. The special education system is a constant uphill fight with a 200 lb pack on your back and no food or water. Nothing comes easy. Not one part of it.…
Well, he’s off to his first day of school. The bus driver and aide were amazing. They pulled up, opened the door, and shouted out….’is there a Cooper here that needs a ride to school?‘ Cooper of course turned and ran the other way laughing and giggling. So, in true Swenson fashion, I brought him flailing and kicking to the bus. He was in good spirits though. I hugged him goodbye this morning and whispered in his ear….‘Be brave sweet boy. You got this.’ And he laughed and laughed and…
As someone affiliated with Autism I have noticed if I browse through Pinterest or Facebook or any of the dozen support groups I am part of there is often a common theme….having a special needs child changes your life. Or defines you as a parent. Or teaches you lessons and makes you a better person. I’ll be honest. I don’t feel that way yet. I haven’t ever actually. Every day is more like an episode of Ground Hogs day. He typically wakes up before 5 am. My anxiety about him…
Yesterday we had another weekly visit from Cooper’s crisis social worker. It was great as usual. We laughed and told stories and talked about ways to help Cooper. More specifically ways to make life easier. I mentioned how the week before the electricity was out at the house and I lasted 15 minutes before I threw him the truck to watch a movie. That kid cannot survive without technology. In a 15 minute period he melted completely down over no WI-FI, useless remotes, VCR’s, DVD players, TV’s, kindles, etc. It…
