Posts Tagged ‘Special Needs Child’
I Wish I Could Feel Things the Way You Do
I wish I could feel things the way you do, my sweet boy. I want to understand. I didn’t know sound could physically, deeply hurt until you showed me. I see you fold your precious ears in on themselves, an attempt to mute the overwhelming world. That doesn’t usually work though. So, you quietly, nervously, moan. This slowly grows in intensity and frequency until your shrieking blocks out the unwanted sound or it’s removed. Whichever comes first. I want to explain to others how you feel inside during these moments.…
Read MoreI Can Tell You When My Son Is Happy, But Not Why
I look into his blue eyes and tried to find some common sense, some meaning in them. Some hidden reason why he was hitting his head with his hands, over and over. Some deep psychology as to why he was screaming. Some reason why, why did he do this. But instead I find silence. There is no panic in this boy’s eyes. No desperate urges. No curiosity. No hint that he is conscious and knows what is going on. At all. Many people say to me, after finding out about…
Read MoreI Will Never Give Up Trying To Help My Son
Imagine not being being able to tell someone what’s on your mind. Imagine not being able to tell someone if you’re having a hard day. Imagine not being able to tell someone that your tummy hurts. Imagine not being able to tell someone that you’re upset. Imagine not being able to tell someone that you’re feeling down and why. Imagine not being able to tell someone why you can’t sleep. Imagine not being able to tell someone that you’re happy. Imagine not being able to communicate. Imagine being a mother…
Read MoreHe Was Always Him
January 16, 2017 It’s been 4 years since my son Stalen was diagnosed on the autism spectrum. He was 21 months old. I remember he was wild in the room as we waited for the doctor to come in and speak with us. He was throwing toys and picking crumbs from the carpet. He was pulling single plastic gloves from a box hanging on the wall. I was trying to hold myself together with strict composure but could feel the lump in my throat and the anxiety deep in the…
Read MoreShades of Grey
I never gave much thought to social norms before I had my son Cooper. Although I do remember a college professor speaking about them and advising each of us to stand backwards in an elevator and watch people squirm. Besides that though, I guess I have just always done them so they rarely cross my mind. That is until autism. My sweet boy is 10. He has blonde hair that is coarse like straw and ruddy cheeks, and he is entirely himself in every way. He doesn’t know how to…
Read MoreThe Little Brother and the Big Brother
There is 8 years between these two. 10 and 2. The little brother and the big brother. I know the facts. The little ones spoken language passed up Cooper’s months ago. He has a hundred words. He uses full sentences. When the younger one leaves home, Cooper will be 26 years old. A grown man. The baby doesn’t know what autism is. Or even that on paper his older brother is nonverbal. They have never, not once, played a game together. Not in a traditional way. And their Dad and…
Read MoreMama, Will He Have Autism Forever?
You’re five and half years old now. You’ve never asked me a question. That’s the first thing that comes to mind when I notice how tall you are now. Reading it takes my breath away a little. I blink back a tear or two. After I take a deep breath, I remember. That’s not exactly true. You learned to request around your last birthday. You come up to me. Always wanting something when you stand so close. You say a very clear and beautiful, “popsicle”. With great intonation, by the…
Read MoreYou Will Get Better Mama
I know, mama. I know that right now it’s really bad. I know that it feels like the world is crumbling around you and you don’t know how you are going to move on. One day, things won’t be so scary. Don’t get me wrong…it is always going to be hard. The hard will never really get better, but you will mama. You will get better. You will get better at the paperwork. One day, those forms won’t make you cry. You will get better at the meetings. One day,…
Read MoreTo the Special Needs Mom Hiding, You Are Not Alone
Dear Momma, I see you, driving down the road with tears in your eyes. I see the deer caught in headlights look as your hands firmly grip the wheel. You sob, uncontrollably, afraid to utter the words that well within your body. I know you utter how much your child is loved, how you wouldn’t change them for the world, that you will get through it together but I know you’d give your life in a heartbeat to have it so your child didn’t struggle with aggression. I know the…
Read MoreThis is the Part No One Talks About
I went to an event a while back, before COVID-19, to honor and celebrate special needs moms. It was one of the first times I realized how lucky I was that my son just had ‘autism.’ He isn’t medically complex. He isn’t terminal. He can run and eat, and we don’t live a chunk of our lives at Children’s Hospital. We are the lucky ones. Story after story was told. Mother after mother. All unique. All important. One of the moms spoke about the moment her daughter passed, and they…
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