I Can Tell You When My Son Is Happy, But Not Why

I look into his blue eyes and tried to find some common sense, some meaning in them.

Some hidden reason why he was hitting his head with his hands, over and over.

Some deep psychology as to why he was screaming. Some reason why, why did he do this.

But instead I find silence.

There is no panic in this boy’s eyes. No desperate urges. No curiosity.

No hint that he is conscious and knows what is going on.

At all.

Many people say to me, after finding out about his diagnosis, “Well, at least you’ll always be able to tell what he feels! He’s an open book!”

Seriously.

Yes, I can tell when he is hurt. He doesn’t try to hide it – that doesn’t even occur to him.

Instead, he comes to me and cries, screams. I know he is hurting. But I don’t know where it hurts.

I don’t know if his throat hurts or his arm or his stomach. I don’t even know if it’s physical pain. Because he can’t tell me. He just can’t.

So I try to assess him, and usually I’m pretty accurate. But it’s mostly logic and lots and lots of guesswork.

Yes, I can tell when he is happy. He comes up to me jumps up and down, shrieks, spins, bounces, tumbles.

But I don’t know why he’s happy.

I don’t know if he’s happy because the mail truck just came, or because it started raining (this kid LOVES rain)…because it’s a holiday…because his hair stands up.

I try, of course. I ask yes or no questions. I try to communicate through his speech device. I try to understand him, to see him as he is.

Mostly, he just stares at me like I’m an idiot.

So I pretend I understand and act happy for him, which I am. But inside, I am falling apart.

Yes, I can tell when he’s angry. He starts throwing things, hitting himself, hitting me, and screaming.

But I have no idea, absolutely no idea, as to why he’s angry.

It could be anything from a wrinkle in his pants to him remembering something that happened a week ago that made him sad, to a bully pushing him.

Literally anything.

So I try to hold him, talk to him, comfort him. Eventually he will calm down. He will. But whether that eventually will be in a second, minute, or hour, I do not know.

So yes, I can tell when my son is happy, hurt, or angry. But I can’t tell why.

He is not an open book.

The cover flap is open. The introduction is fair dibs. But the actual content… That’s sealed tight as a bank safe.

My son is almost seven years old and nonverbal. Funny how when I say nonverbal, most people assume that he can’t talk at all. He does talk. He has sounds, grunts, squeaks. He can say some muffled letters. This is communication.

I feel a lot of emotions as his mother, and they are all more complex than words.

Disappointment at him not being able to have the future I dreamed for him.

Hysteria when his school wouldn’t take him.

Tears at night, when I can actually break down, about him, him, him.

There’s been few, rare bright moments in the past. But things are changing, slowly, slowly. I’ve been prouder than ever of my sweet boy. He’s starting to understand things. He’s starting to listen.

I wish I could take a look into his mind. I wouldn’t take long, just a glimpse.

Just something to take with me into the real world. Just something to help.

He is so hard to understand.

But I try.

I swear, I do.

Written by, An Anonymous Mother

Finding Cooper’s Voice accepts guest posts from writers who choose to stay anonymous. I do this because so many of these topics are hard to talk about. The writers are worried about being shamed. They are worried about being judged. As a writer and mother I totally get it. But I also understand the importance of telling our stories. And this will ALWAYS be a safe place to do it.

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