Posts Tagged ‘motherhood’
I am her Person
I still remember the day we found out we were having a girl. To say I was excited is a complete understatement. I literally burst into tears. I have always dreamed of having a little girl. It wasn’t just about the bows and the tutu it was about the mother daughter relationship. My mom is my best friend and that is what I wanted with my daughter. Sadie was born on October 9, 2014. Life was great. Well it wasn’t perfect but I had 2 amazing children and a loving…
Read MoreThe Fear of Silence
This morning I listened to a sermon about silence. How in today’s world it is hard to find. And how most people say they want more silence, but when they get it, they fear it. They can’t take it. It’s too quiet. I sat there listening, bouncing my baby on my knee, and thought about how I was probably the only person in the room that knows the silence of an eight year old boy. Of a nonverbal boy. And how loud it can truly be. How your brain can…
Read MoreWhat I Know is Different than How I Feel
I know he was born in 2010 on a cold, icy winter day after what felt like days of pushing. His birth was traumatic. At least that’s how it felt to me. I remember them saying he’s not breathing. I watched them gather around the table. So many hands. All rubbing him. I was waiting for the cry. I kept looking at my doctors face to see if he was panicked. He was an old pro. He’d been doing this for years. He seemed fine. Never sweating. Never appearing frazzled.…
Read MoreMother Posts Sign on House to Protect Autistic Son from Police
This story is almost three years old. I just learned of it today. I saw the photo above on Facebook. And I instantly felt ill. Sick to my stomach. Because I knew. This is the reality for so many parents in my world. This is my greatest fear. And I know say that a lot. I worry about who will care for Cooper after I am gone. Who will keep him safe. But in the now, in the day-to-day, I worry about protecting him from the world. He is nonverbal.…
Read MoreOh, the Places You’ll Go
As any new mom would, when I was first pregnant I spent my time obsessing. I don’t know why I hated every baby name or why I thought my baby would be nameless. I spent my time reading through baby journals and articles. And in that time I read that babies develop hearing while in utero and that was it. So, we bought a book. Daddy would read aloud near my growing belly. This was going to be his book. I remember we searched for the most perfect book. I…
Read MoreI’m Learning how to be his Mom
On Saturday morning, at 5:45 am, I casually mentioned to Cooper that I was going to Target at some point. I was chatting away to him when I worked it into the conversation. The words ‘Target’ and ‘birthday party.’ I talk to him all the time like this when we are alone. In the car. Or awake before anyone else gets up. I go on and on. Mostly nonsense really. I talk about the news. And how much I love coffee. I talk about Sawyer’s schedule. And our plans for the…
Read MoreTake my Hand
“Take my hand, we’re gonna go, where, we, can, shine!” Music has always been a way for me to heal. I don’t play, I don’t sing…I listen. There have been times in my life I feel as though I am being punished. Being punished…but for what? I am not quite sure? A dark cloud forms and rains down…. but why? I have racked my brain. I have asked tough questions. I have dug deep, deeper then I know others are even capable of going. I have blamed others. I have…
Read MoreConfidence Building When Your Child Has Autism
I almost regularly remind my kids that they can do anything they set their minds to. I’m mindful of how important it is to help grow their confidence. Giving them challenges is good, but I also like to help them build on their strengths. This becomes even more important when it involves my daughter. It’s a fine line I walk every day. Do I push her a bit more because it’s something I know she could be better at or do I sit back and let her only put a…
Read MoreWhen Jealousy Surprises You
There are many topics in the world of special needs parenting that are taboo to talk about. Self Injurious Behaviors. Aggression. Puberty. Depression. Jealousy. As parents we don’t talk about them out of fear. Fear of being judged by people outside of our world. People that don’t understand. Or we worry that people will think badly of our children. Or our parenting skills. So, we stay quiet. I know this unique isolation all too well. Well, lately I’ve been feeling an emotion that I don’t feel very often. It’s even…
Read MoreThe Lucky Mom
While walking through the grocery store, I recognized a mother and her daughter, about 10 years old, chatting and shopping together. I knew the mother years ago when her oldest daughter, now 19, was friends with my oldest daughter. They met in first grade and became instant friends. A few years passed and this mother and I were pregnant at the same time. We both had baby girls just a few months apart. I remember my oldest commenting about how the two baby girls would naturally play together someday. This…
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