Oh, the Places You’ll Go

As any new mom would, when I was first pregnant I spent my time obsessing. I don’t know why I hated every baby name or why I thought my baby would be nameless.

I spent my time reading through baby journals and articles. And in that time I read that babies develop hearing while in utero and that was it.

So, we bought a book. Daddy would read aloud near my growing belly.

This was going to be his book. I remember we searched for the most perfect book.

I needed it to fill all of my expectations.

Once we had the book we started the readings, mostly by dad so “he’d recognize his voice”.

I shared the book with my mom.

I remember she couldn’t finish it without crying, but that was warranted after watching five beautiful children grow into adults, and it also made me feel like we had picked the most perfect book for our baby.

When my son was born we read the book all the time.

When the behaviors started I’d read the book mostly alone. Nobody saw what I was seeing, not even my husband.

One night, after hundreds of Google searches, I forgot to close the bathroom door where I was “bathing”. My husband opened the door and there I was, sobbing while the water fell.

My husband forgot what he had come in for.

What’s wrong? How was I to say. I couldn’t utter it.

Followed by “Babe, what’s wrong?” I knew I had to say something, but how?

Then came the sentence that would give the final blow. I looked at my husband’s eyes so oblivious to reality.

So joyful, so full of worry for his wife.

I heard the tv on and I knew my child was in the living room, flapping as happily as he could.

After what seemed like an eternity, in between cries I finally said…

‘There’s something wrong with my child…’

‘There’s something wrong with Mat.’

I watched as his eyes changed. I don’t think they have ever recovered.

He could barely understand.

My phone was opened on the table at his side with Autism all over it.

His eyes gazed upon it, and there was no stopping it. I had just shattered his world. I swear I tried to avoid it.

As my baby grew I was comforted with the fact that he liked books. With all his words gone he could still follow along.

He knew exactly what page was I reading, he had memorized his books. Just the ones he had before. He had no interest for new ones.

Then one day, my baby started to bite books followed by ripping them. It became an obsession.

He needed new books. He loved them, but he would always ruin them. He wouldn’t stop until there was no more book.

We separated the really meaningful books and stored them. The baby album, the vintage, “Where the wild things are” and his book…

Then one day I came upon my boy ripping a book. I came close, not knowing what book he was ripping. Surely it was some pamphlet from the store.

And then I saw…Oh the places you’ll go.

And in that moment all my dreams, all my hopes were gone. I could faintly see my husband still reading “kid you’ll move mountains”.

And here I was…nameless in my child’s eyes. And wondering how big the mountain is that my child will have to move.

We never read for my second pregnancy. I couldn’t bare it.

I knew it could be times two and it was. In very different ways, but very much the same.

Now my hope grows and plummets and I still see the mountains, standing tall, barely moving.

Written by, An Anonymous Mother

Finding Cooper’s Voice accepts guest posts from writers who choose to stay anonymous. I do this because so many of these topics are hard to talk about. The writers are worried about being shamed. They are worried about being judged. As a writer and mother I totally get it. But I also understand the importance of telling our stories. And this will ALWAYS be a safe place to do it.

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  • Jennifer

    March 26, 2019 at 12:00 pm
    Reply

    This is beautifully heartbreaking. Just like my life right now. Right down to the book eating. As a former teacher and bookworm, the book destroying […] Read MoreThis is beautifully heartbreaking. Just like my life right now. Right down to the book eating. As a former teacher and bookworm, the book destroying really really upset me. I had so many books for my boys and to watch him chew on them and fight to read stories with him at night...it kills me. Read Less

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Finding Cooper's Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you're never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village....all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to my page!

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