Posts Tagged ‘autism mom’
I Need You Too
Since the day you were born, I knew that being a Mom was my purpose in life. I loved every single moment. The late nights, the cuddling, even the poopy diapers. That feeling, knowing that someone needs you… is amazing. Although, I thought it would only last for a little while. The needing. The constant. Now, you are four. And you still need me just as much now, as you did when you were a newborn…and I can’t help but wonder if that’s how it will be forever? Will you…
Read MoreIn My 36th Year…
In my 36th year I am struggling with: Accepting that my 36-year-old body, the one that delivered 3 healthy, big boys, is never going to look 25 again. I’m getting older and I never thought I would be a person that would care about that. Sleep deprivation. I’ve been tired for almost 9 years. Awake multiple times a night and up before 5 am every single day. It’s taking its toll. Some days I don’t know how I am going to clear the cobwebs from my brain and find the…
Read MoreThe Fear of Wandering
Last night, I saw my sweet boy for the first time as a grown young man. My dream was so real. Until now, I really hadn’t been able to picture him outside of toddlerhood. I kind of blame that on autism. Maybe it’s the language barrier between us, or the discomfort of not knowing exactly what his future looks like. For some reason I just couldn’t picture him, or didn’t allow myself to try. He was big, taller than me. Happy and gentle. And strong. He clung tightly to my…
Read MoreMy Son, You Have Always Been You
My son I have a confession to make. Back when you were little, I used to dream about a you without autism. I was lost, and sad. Worried and confused. And I thought that there was a you, deep inside, that didn’t have autism. I would search for him. I would think, once I find that you, this will be all better. I just have to try harder. I was going to do everything in my power to get to that you. The you who talked. Who played. Who made…
Read MoreNot the Life I Pictured
Some kids go to hockey practice and baseball games. Or theater or an art show. Play dates and birthday parties. That’s what a parent imagines. Cooper and I used to have nothing like that. No outings. No games. Oh how I longed for something. Anything. A place that we could go to together. Now we go to speech together. We go to grocery stores and Target too. We visit places in our community. We visit parking lots just to learn about cars and strangers and practice waving. We always seem to…
Read MoreWhen It’s Time to Get Healthy
All my life I’ve been in relatively good shape. My weight would fluctuate ten pounds or so but always manageable. A low calorie and exercise worked for me. Even after my first two babies were born. But everything seemed to change after the birth of my third baby. I am 36, tired and I know I need to lose weight. But part of me is too exhausted to care. I can’t seem to find any energy. Three boys, severe autism, stress, and not sleeping through the night is working against…
Read MoreI’m done Apologizing for my Daughter
I don’t know about you, but I’m so tired of apologizing… I’m tired of apologizing for things I cannot control. I’m tired of apologizing to people who don’t deserve it. However, I’m most tired of apologizing for my autistic daughter. Today, while checking out in the book store, Harper ran away to go to the children’s section (without looking back or slowing down ) so she could press the heart of Elmo to make him dance just one more time. As the cashier awkwardly smiled at me, I apologized to…
Read MoreBeing A Special Needs Parent Isn’t Something to Fear
I overheard two expectant mamas talking in a Chick-fil-A play area. They sat together on one bench, while their 3-4 year old boys played together, and they each were expecting a boy. I watched my own two boys play with these soon to be big brothers. These mamas chatted about pregnancy woes and pediatricians. And then the conversation took an unexpected turn. One of the mamas confessed that she’s constantly having fears that something will go wrong with the baby. It even keeps her up at night. What if her…
Read MoreTo my Fellow Target Shopper
“You are a little too big to be sitting in there don’t you think?” So said the elderly woman at Target, with a chuckle and a wink, to my Isla as she sat with her knees grazing her chest in the shopping cart. I was tired. My body, my spirit, tired. The summer has been so long. I had zero make-up on but I had brushed my teeth, put a cap on to hide my unkept hair and managed sufficient deodorant swipes so I was totally winning the day in…
Read MoreSorry for the Delay, I’ve been Sad
I looked down at my cell phone this morning. 37 unread text messages. 37. Dear God. Thousands of unread emails and Facebook messages. Have I been on vacation? No. Taking a social media/world time out? I wish. Nope. It’s been a long couple of weeks. My baby isn’t sleeping. And by isn’t sleeping I don’t mean waking up once a night. I mean waking up 3-5 times a night. And then I got hit with a cold. That happens when I get over tired. My body literally shuts down. It’s…
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