Sorry for the Delay, I’ve been Sad

I looked down at my cell phone this morning.

37 unread text messages.

37.

Dear God.

Thousands of unread emails and Facebook messages.

Have I been on vacation? No.

Taking a social media/world time out? I wish.

Nope.

It’s been a long couple of weeks.

My baby isn’t sleeping. And by isn’t sleeping I don’t mean waking up once a night.

I mean waking up 3-5 times a night.

And then I got hit with a cold. That happens when I get over tired.

My body literally shuts down. It’s out of my hands.

It happens at least once a year.

And then I am forced to reevaluate how I am treating myself.

I know the signs.

They are always the same.

I realize it has been more than a few days since I last showered.

No makeup on. The roots of my hair grown out.

Maternity shorts even though my baby was born 10 months ago.

My toe nails are long and only half covered in baby pink polish.

My finger nails chewed off.

And my leg and armpit hair. Don’t even get me started.

And the text messages.

These are the signs. My signs.

I just shut down.

I know what causes it.

Sleep deprivation. Stress. And back to school time.

This is my sad time of the year. The time when I realize we aren’t starting a new year.

And as much as I ignore the feelings, and the adorable photos on Facebook, my body and subconscious, apparently do not.

I forced myself to take a sick day yesterday. And I slept. Almost 4 hours.

Then, I started replying to my friends.

‘Sorry for the delay, I’ve been sad. In a hole. Back to school time does that to me. But I’m digging out now.’

And that was it.

That simple. I just owned it. Admitted where I was at.

I’m eight years into this roller coaster ride. There is no use lying. Especially not to my friends and family.

Or myself.

I used to think grief was a straight line.

That as people we just “get over it.”

I was so wrong. I will never get over some of this. I know that now.

And as strong as I am, and as happy and comfortable as I am in acceptance, some parts are just hard.

I’m human.

Every friend responded lovingly.

No one scolded me. No anger. No shaming.

No surprise either. Just a lot of love and understanding.

After the messages I showered. Went for a long walk. Went to the grocery store and bought a bunch of healthy food.

And made lists. To-do lists. Get-healthy lists. Shopping lists. Be a better mom lists.

I took control. And a whole lotta Emergen-C.

Admitting I am sad is the start to getting happier. Not hiding it. Not running from it.

I only wish it didn’t take me so long to get here.

Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook, subscribe for exclusive videos, and subscribe to our newsletter.

Interested in writing for Finding Cooper’s Voice? LEARN MORE