Guest Post
I’m Not A Failure
I have to get this off my chest. This is a temporary feeling. All week… LIKE ALL WEEK. I’ve felt like a failure. Even though all week I’ve… “taken care of my daughter” “my bills are paid” “my house has food and clean clothes” and although “it’s not perfectly clean”, it’s okay enough to wait until my day off (tomorrow) to do the bigger chores. I’ve helped Gretchen, she pulled up her pajamas pants tonight. That might not seem like a big deal to most parents, but I arrived at…
Read MoreTomorrow We Will Start Again
It was hard for you this morning. I have no idea why. You woke crying too early, the moon still visible. Groans and nudges before one of us got up and shuffled to your room. These are the moments we wait on your response. There are mornings, early mornings, when your smile is contagious, your eyes bright and your antics ridiculous. Those are the mornings I can smile back, fix myself a cup of coffee and take on the day like the superhero you’ve made me out to be. And…
Read MoreI Found My Voice This Year
It’s time for New Years Resolutions. I made mine mid year somehow and didn’t even know it. For years I tried to help my son find his voice and in the process I found mine. Once my son was diagnosed I lost mine I think. I just wanted to do everything right for him. I found my voice this year. It’s a loud one and one spoken with love. I stood up for myself, my son and for both of our mental health. I fought for him to have a…
Read MoreWaiting for Next Year…
I took the tree down the minute Christmas was over this year. Usually, I have the tree up from November through to the end of January but this year; I’m so damn relieved it’s over. This entire year I have spent worrying about next year. About sending my non-verbal son to school. I have taken him to pre-kindy at an education support school for the last 3 terms, a 2 hour session once a week which I get to stay with him, to help prepare him for Kindy next year.…
Read MoreOur First Christmas After Diagnosis
I found myself eating some humble pie last night, or maybe grateful pie. That sounds stupid. Things were put into perspective. I was catching up on my Cooper’s Voice reading–something I only do on hard days–and yesterday was a HARD day. Christmas was a disaster! Maddox had stayed up all night, and by the time everyone was awake to open presents, he was just about ready to fall asleep. We tried anyway. Twenty minutes in and we ended up with a 2-3 hour meltdown, then a 5 hour sleep; the…
Read MoreOur Love Has Not, And Never Will, Need Words
Raising a non-verbal child taught me to communicate with more than mere words and to listen with more than mere ears. I don’t need words to catch the joy dancing behind Mason’s eyes when he sees me enter a room. I don’t need his voice to tell me he loves me when I have the strength of his embrace that follows after he wraps his arms around my neck. No amount of speech can match the magnitude that comes with his bedtime kisses, or late night cuddles. Every flick of…
Read MoreMy Son, This Year for Christmas…
Dear Son, This year for Christmas I know you won’t ask me for anything or understand why a burly man in a red suit is so important. You won’t understand why there are so many parties and great food, or why this little baby that sits in a manger is being spoken about. This evening, I won’t be able to explain to you that Santa will be here at night and that we should leave cookies out for him, because why would we leave cookies out for no good reason…
Read MoreMy Daughter’s 18th Christmas
This is Casadee’s 18th Christmas. I still make her a calendar every year so she can count down the days and quite honestly to reduce the number of times she asks me “Christmas tomorrow?” This year her number gift request is a desktop computer. She is typical in that regard, like most teens the price of the present goes up. This year I can use her newly awarded SSI money to purchase it. She doesn’t read or write but she has been using computers at school for as long as…
Read MoreBeing Social Isn’t As Easy As We Make It Look
I take notice of every body of water now. Every stream, every river, every pond, and every lake. I’ll count the 5 gallon buckets that sit unattended in your yard, filled with rain water. I know exactly where your dogs water bowl is. I’ll shut your bathroom doors, and make sure you didn’t forget to drain your bath water. I see every candle. I panic when we come over and they are lit. I’ll feel badly when I ask you to blow them out, and set them up. I pray…
Read More‘TIS THE SEASON
As I reflect just on the last year alone, the holiday season for us has been so drastically different. Last year at Thanksgiving Caleb was almost 3.5 and we were hyper aware of the holiday festivities being newly diagnosed. We’d researched how to prepare him and considered all of the recommendations. We opted out of going to see family for both Thanksgiving and rather had family over, hoping Caleb would be better off in his own home if we had to be around people we didn’t see too much throughout…
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