My Daughter’s 18th Christmas
This is Casadee’s 18th Christmas.
I still make her a calendar every year so she can count down the days and quite honestly to reduce the number of times she asks me “Christmas tomorrow?”
This year her number gift request is a desktop computer. She is typical in that regard, like most teens the price of the present goes up.
This year I can use her newly awarded SSI money to purchase it. She doesn’t read or write but she has been using computers at school for as long as she’s been there so she definitely knows how to navigate if I type the names in.
So grateful for history so I don’t have to keep doing it!
I took her to see the sensory Santa at the mall and watched her struggle to find her words and Santa struggle to understand.
She still looks at him through the eyes of a 5 yr old, convinced he will visit Christmas Eve with a bag full of gifts. I love how she lights up with true joy.
She loves to dress up for every holiday so her elf gear and Christmas clothes have all been brought back out, washed and ready.
I took her gift shopping for her “boyfriend” the other day. She wanted to get him new headphones and a bracelet.
We made a plan and I told her exactly where we were going and what we were doing using the first and then technique. It helps some.
We went to Walgreens first to pick up a photo order and had to wait in line.
She asked me about getting his gift and when we were going over and over and I continuously redirected her and reminded her of the steps we were taking first and then.
I saw the lady in front of me turn to get a visual of this child who would not stop asking and then our eyes met briefly and I could see her pity.
She was surprised to see my grown up daughter, she was expecting a small child. She was expecting to judge my parenting skills and instead she judged my ability to handle it.
I could see that “better you than me” look. I could see her already deciding she would not be able to do it and her respect that I could.
She asked if I wanted to go ahead of her in line and of course I accepted. Anything to make this quicker and be on our way.
I see this so often and don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful that people recognize that raising a child with Autism is different, but it still hurts to see their pity.
It is hard, everyday is hard, the Christmas season is even harder. There are more activities, more lights, more sounds, more expectations and more anxiety.
I try to keep her calm each day, always redirecting; 15 more days, 14 more days, a monumental task. I try to remain sane, even more monumental.
It’s both heartbreaking and a blessing to see my 18 yr old daughter’s childlike vision of Christmas and to know that it will ALWAYS be this way.
I’m grateful for a society that allows for education and understanding.
Grateful for the people who want to help by giving me their place in line.
Grateful for my ability to begin again everyday.
And grateful that my daughter will never lose her childlike joy at Christmas.
Written by, Tammy Twenhofel
My daughter Casadee is 17 with a diagnosis of Autism and Mitochondrial Disorder. This journey makes me a better person every single day and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
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