Archive for February 2019
A Quiet Birthday
Dylan, you will be three years old very soon. I can’t believe that. It seems like only yesterday that we were worried we would never even have a child. After three long years of trying, we conceived you! We could not have been more excited to welcome you! The overwhelming love I had for you when you were born was palpable. It was like a ton of bricks and I felt instantly connected to you. You cried when you were born but the moment you were laid on my chest…
Read MoreAre you Done?
I had three babies in three years. Shortly after I had my last baby people began to ask, “Are you done?” Sometimes kidding and sometimes serious, but it always felt like a punch in the gut. My dream was four or five children, but after Jackson’s diagnosis and three babies, four or five was just not in the cards for us. I’m finally accepting that we are done, and I’m ok with that. Now when I think about my family I think of our Jackson boy. Our four year old…
Read MoreThank you for Trying Kid
I used to think the measure of success was completing something right. Perfection. I thought that in order to win, or succeed, you had to nail it. Do it by the book. I thought that was the goal. Success. That all changed after I had you kid. You showed me that there are many, many ways to achieve success. I want to thank you for that. A few days ago you tried jello and whipped cream. For the first time ever. Your brother was having some. And you noticed. I…
Read MoreDropping My Best Fake Smile
Some days, most days actually, I am happy. Like, really happy. Why would I not be? I am blessed beyond belief. I have three amazing kids and a wonderful husband. My family is healthy. So am I. We do not lack for anything. I recognize our blessings. And I am thankful for them. But my life, by most people’s standards, is hard. It’s loud. It’s chaotic. It may appear as if I am drowning at times. Or like I’m barely keeping my head above water. It also may appear that…
Read MoreSometimes it Really Hits Me
Autism has been a part of my life for 20 years. I have 2 sons with Autism. I feel like I know it well. I’m comfortable now. I’m in a groove. There were hard, hard days for many years. Sleepless nights (literally); stress, grief, and confusion as to how to navigate this new life. I remember one day in particular during Spring Break….my kids were home from school, and I was literally loosing my mind. My son was in rare form. I couldn’t leave him alone for 2 seconds. After…
Read MoreTwo Boys and a Sister on the Way!
My son Nolan was born May 2007. He was the easiest baby who came with a painless, smooth delivery. He made parenthood a breeze. There was no hesitation in giving him a sibling right away. Mylan was born December 2008, and Nolan wanted nothing to do with him. He would hide his head or leave the room entirely if Mylan cried. I could never get that beautiful proud picture of big brother holding newborn brother. I was horrified that the loves of my life were not like the online photos…
Read MoreWho will Care for my Son after I’m Gone?
If you ask any special needs parent, they will tell you that their number one fear is worrying about who will care for their child after they are too old or die. It’s mine for sure. I have spent countless hours staring at my beautiful, innocent son and worrying. When I wipe his face. Or his bottom. When I wash his hair in the bathtub. When I walk him across the street or through a parking lot. I worry. He is 8. He needs constant supervision. He will most likely…
Read MoreNobody is Exempt
Isla’s first few months at the new ABA clinic were going great. She was learning a ton, and she really enjoyed seeing new therapists and kiddos each day as the clinic grew. However, with each new therapist came a new opportunity to test the limits and boundaries of her behavior. In about the second or third monthly parent training, I learned of a new behavior that was the most disturbing for me as a mother, a woman, and a healthcare professional. We were reviewing the graphs of Isla’s different behaviors,…
Read MoreOur World is Different
This morning you woke me up. The same way you do every single day. You come puttering in. Heavy feet. Full hands. Already giggling. You stand next to my face. You touch my cheek. Although you know that I am already awake. My mind and heart are so in tune to you Cooper that I swear I know the second you open your eyes. I joke that we are like an old married couple. You put my glasses on my face. And put my phone in my hand. And you…
Read MoreThank you for being his Forever Friend
Our Dearest Son Dominick, As I sit here and write this letter to you I have to fight back tears. A whole new set of tears. I’ve shed what feels like a million of them since that ‘diagnosis day,’ but haven’t let myself feel these. These are the tears I cry for you Dominick. They are tears of worry, of guilt, of sadness but above all happiness. Happiness that you were our first born. That you were our typical son. That you gave us a chance to experience a childhood…
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