Posts Tagged ‘grief’
Grieving the Child I Thought I Lost
The day after Mason’s confirmed diagnosis I couldn’t shake my unexplainable feeling of loss. But I didn’t lose my child. In fact, he was sitting 3 feet away, happily lining up his cars on the tv stand, babbling in a language only he could understand. Even though he was close enough to touch, I felt a gaping hole; like part of my life, the before Autism part, had died. When we got home from the assessment appointment, I dug out Mason’s baby book. The record I had so proudly and…
Read MoreSanta did not Bring my Nonverbal Son’s Voice
Every time I go through a “grieving phase” of autism I always think it will be my last, or at least I always hope it is. However, emotions are fluid, and thus like waves in the ocean it never dies. I find that holidays are always a stressor for the grieving process. It truly is hard to let go of what you thought your life would have been like prior to the diagnosis of autism. I think it’s hard for people who aren’t going through this to understand that. It’s…
Read MoreLearning to Love Life with a Special Needs Child
It was still dark out when my eyes opened. One child was still breathing quietly under the comforters, while another cozied up next to me suckling at my breast. There was just enough time for me to put on a face and prepare for Julian’s Christmas party. If he can get 45 more minutes of sleep I thought to myself, we will be in good shape. I could coerce him into wearing something other than his dinosaur sweat pants…And just maybe, he will take delight in his Christmas party! I…
Read MoreThe Different Stages of Accepting Autism
I had no idea that there would be so many different stages surrounding my son’s autism. For example I thought getting the diagnosis would be the hardest part. I really did. I thought going through the pain of realizing something was wrong, making the phone call for the appointment, bringing my baby to be evaluated and hearing the words, ‘yes he is autistic,’ would be the hardest parts we would ever have to go through. We would get help and it would be fine. I was wrong. There are so…
Read MoreMy Motherhood
Being a mom is the biggest blessing that I have ever been given. It is also the most challenging adventure that I have ever been on. When I found out that I was pregnant, I dreamed of all the fun things my son and I were going to do. I dreamed what my son was going to accomplish. And then one day, I realized my dreams were just dreams, and that my reality was different than what I had ever imagined it was going to be. Motherhood looks different than…
Read MoreAt Least He’s Not Dying
“My coworker says to me “Well at least he’s not dying.” She meant it with good intentions I’m sure. But it stung. I was in fact mourning the loss of the life I thought my son would have. Would he ever talk to me? Would he ever go to preschool? Would he ever make it to high school? Would he drive? Fall in love? Have a family of his own? “At least he’s not dying” it still burns. Maybe I’m being selfish. Maybe I am being ungrateful. My son is…
Read MoreA Story About a Boy
Max Richard is my son. On November 7th, 2012, he was officially diagnosed with Mild Cerebral Palsy. At the time, it was like the life had been taken from my body. Like a dream I couldn’t wake up from. Max began to make improvements with therapy but as of August 16th, 2013, he was not talking. Flash forward to today. He is still not talking. Things have changed in our life. I got new job. We moved. Max has a baby sister Samantha. Still no talking. I’m not going to…
Read MoreLetting Out The Breath You’ve Been Holding For So Long
‘The best feeling is watching things finally fall into place after watching them fall apart for so long.’ The beginning was so hard. Before the autism diagnosis. The unknown. The hating myself for suspecting something was wrong. The watching all of his peers and even younger kids pass him by. The exhaustion. Never sleeping. Wondering why my baby was different. The fighting with my husband because I saw something he refused to see. The hoping it was anything but autism. Late bloomer. Boys will be boys. Holding my breath. Waiting.…
Read MoreThe Land of Grief
I’ve scoured so many posts, blogs, and advice columns looking for moms like me. The moms who still struggle with the diagnosis. Moms who still wake up in the middle of the night unable to breathe, and moms who doubt everything they thought they knew. I look for moms like me, who have been crushed by the weight of autism. It’s been ten long years. Nothing has soothed these wounds. I’ve tried. I’ve tried different therapies. Antidepressants. Christianity. Wine. Way too much wine. No one seems to understand what this…
Read MoreWhen Grief Affects Every Aspect of your Life
I was swallowed into the autism pit and it almost destroyed every relationship in my life. I became so caught up in my grief that I began to become bitter towards my friends and their children’s growth. Seeing their accomplishments devastated me. I would become resentful listening to them ‘complain’ about running their kids around or how many activities they were in., etc. I would snap at them saying, ‘at least you aren’t spending your Saturday’s in therapy.’ I stopped answering the phone and they eventually stopped calling. It drove…
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