Posts Tagged ‘grief’
No One Tells You
Your first child turning 18 is an exciting time in a person’s life, right? A time when the child you grew within you reached the age of legal adulthood. It seems like those 18 years went by in a blink of an eye. A child you raised, guided, and encouraged throughout their childhood actually turned out pretty darn awesome. Your role in their life is different now. The little birdie is getting ready to leave the nest. They are preparing to go out on their own and conquer the world.…
Read MoreMy Hidden Grief
So, yesterday was a low point in the life of a mom. For those of you with typical kids, take pause, and stop for a minute to read this. I promise you, by the end of this, you will be more thankful for having healthy children. Let me first preface this by saying, I don’t journal. I don’t have a diary, and I don’t write about my journey everyday. I don’t blog, though, I have thought about it. This is my only outlet to let go and process when my…
Read MoreSometimes it Really Hits Me
Autism has been a part of my life for 20 years. I have 2 sons with Autism. I feel like I know it well. I’m comfortable now. I’m in a groove. There were hard, hard days for many years. Sleepless nights (literally); stress, grief, and confusion as to how to navigate this new life. I remember one day in particular during Spring Break….my kids were home from school, and I was literally loosing my mind. My son was in rare form. I couldn’t leave him alone for 2 seconds. After…
Read MoreOur World is Different
This morning you woke me up. The same way you do every single day. You come puttering in. Heavy feet. Full hands. Already giggling. You stand next to my face. You touch my cheek. Although you know that I am already awake. My mind and heart are so in tune to you Cooper that I swear I know the second you open your eyes. I joke that we are like an old married couple. You put my glasses on my face. And put my phone in my hand. And you…
Read MoreThe Rabbit Hole of Grief
The flu overtook our house this last week. First the baby. Then Sawyer. Then Cooper. And finally me. I found myself curled up in a blanket in bed yesterday afternoon. And Sawyer found me. He crawled in my bed and gave me that adorable smile of his. He went onto ask me a hundred and one questions. He asked me why rainbow trout look like rainbows. He asked me if I have ever caught a catfish. He asked me if I was a better fisherman than daddy. He told me…
Read MoreSkeletons in my Closet
I am so much older and so much wiser these days. And yes, so much more thin and worn out than when our eighteen year old daughter Jazz was given that autism diagnosis at age three. In those early days, I swallowed every book, watched every documentary, attended every autism-related conference in order to get a handle on this thing life had thrown my way. I was puzzled by the old moms I encountered and their silence. As a newbie to autism, I was naïve perhaps as to what changes…
Read MoreThe Child Before the Diagnosis
We were standing on our patio and a plane flew close above us. It was loud and very easy to spot. “Look guys, a plane!” My 20 month old son followed my finger and he pointed too and smiled, “Ah, plann,” he said. I smiled with him. It looked nice against the crisp sky with everything around us covered in snow. I looked over at my daughter who had her back to us and was smiling too. She was still looking opposite us into the sky searching for a plane.…
Read MoreI Wished this Version of Autism didn’t Exist
Unanswered questions and the fear of the unknown, Kept me awake at night and I felt so alone. People saying, “He’ll grow out it”, or Autism is a gift, Had no idea what they were saying, I wished this version of Autism didn’t exist. Robbing a child of their voice and basic life skills isn’t being blessed, It’s heartbreaking to watch, and leaves you all feeling distressed. Advocates and other Autism Mum’s may isolate you for being negative, They claim that to the ‘Autism world’ you’re being insensitive. Maybe it’s…
Read MoreOur New Normal
As I sit here tonight, it hit me hard. How many things in life I thought we’d be doing so effortlessly at this phase of Jackson’s development. Without worry. Or planning. Or hesitation. Tonight, we didn’t go to “movie night” at my son’s school because movies make him anxious. Like freak out, meltdown anxious. Just because they’re long. And that’s if we’re at home. No way could he tolerate a loud movie with dozens of people around. They served popcorn and drinks. None of which he’d eat. Or drink. It’s…
Read MoreThe Dark Place
I wanted to share something that any Autism parent will understand. It is a place that we all have been. It’s called the dark place. I go there at night when everyone is asleep. It’s when the reality and fears set in of being a parent to a special needs child. The what will happen when I’m gone place. The how will they be able to have a life of their own and build a meaningful and reciprocal relationship place. The who will care for them when I’m not here…
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