Posts Tagged ‘grief’
Take the Picture
To the mama whose baby isn’t starting school today. To the parent who is wondering if they should take the picture. And wondering if they should celebrate just another day. To the dad whose sending some kids back to school but not the others. To the parent feeling a twinge of sadness today. Or a lot. I understand Your child doesn’t go to a typical school. They go to therapy. There are no grade levels. Just continuous time. Or maybe they do but they aren’t really in a grade. On…
Read MoreTo the Mom who is Trying to Figure out who She is After Special Needs:
I thought I would be a boy mom. A baseball mom. A hockey mom. A social mom. A mom with a lot of friends. A cool mom. A successful mom. Autism challenged every one of those titles for me. I am brave enough to say that. The role of special needs mom overpowered it all. It turned my whole world completely upside down. And inside out. And backwards. It demanded I slow down. And move faster at the same time. It demanded I speak out and yet learn to hold…
Read MoreI Don’t Understand Why
I’ve numbed myself now for quite some time. I went from my daughter getting a diagnosis to my son having autism too. When I realized he was on the spectrum it really hurt because I thought he would be the typical child that would help with his sister and that I would be able to relate to on a level I feared my daughter might not be able to. When he began his aggressive behaviors- this beautiful boy I love- that is when it became too much. The whole process:…
Read MoreDon’t Cut the Highs or the Lows Short
When I look at the toughest times in my life… My miscarriage. When my son was diagnosed with autism. When I was struggling with my marriage. Occasional money troubles. Losing people I love. I see a few common themes. One…I had no one to talk too. And two…I tried to pretend I was fine. I tried to rush through the hard. I had no one in my life that was going through similar issues. Or if they were…I had no idea. Because I was too afraid to talk about my…
Read MoreSomething as Simple as a Haircut
Sometimes autism slaps you in the face and man does it sting. Today, was one of those days. Most days we are plugging along, going to therapy, school and work and although autism is always there (Franklin is 4 and nonverbal so believe me it’s always there) it’s background noise. Franklin and Scarlett are healthy and happy and so is our family. But then something as simple as a haircut, changes everything and autism is smack in your face, rearing its ugly head. We have been putting it off for…
Read MorePlease Allow Me to Feel the Hard Parts
Mother’s day has always been hard for me. Growing up with a single dad and a mother who was not a part of my life, (and when she was, caused a lot of heartache, confusion, and chaos) I always hated Mother’s Day. I have had some amazing women in my life step up and try to help take the place of an absent mother, but I’ll be honest and say that nothing ever fills that void. I thought becoming a mother would help though. I wanted nothing more than to…
Read MoreI Wear the Mask Well
I am NOT a writer by nature. Well, never anything I have wanted others to read. My writing skills have never reached beyond the rambling of journals that are tucked far away from other’s eyes. I have struggled lately with overwhelming emotions and adjustments to not only how Autism changed our lives but to the schedule and workload that follows it. Most of my “breakdowns” happen in the quiet of night when I am alone, safe from judgement. I know I shouldn’t care but the demand to defend my feelings,…
Read MoreWhat if it was Me?
For me, my darkest secret is that I feel, and sometimes it feels like I know, that I caused my son’s autism. And his struggles. It breaks my heart. And the guilt chases me day and night. It all started when I read an article about how trauma as a child could cause autism. The mothers were described as ‘refrigerator mums’ and if I’m honest that was me. My eldest two children were, and are neurotypical, thriving, chatty, oh, so chatty girls. My son is nonverbal, epileptic, low functioning autistic…
Read MoreTake my Hand
“Take my hand, we’re gonna go, where, we, can, shine!” Music has always been a way for me to heal. I don’t play, I don’t sing…I listen. There have been times in my life I feel as though I am being punished. Being punished…but for what? I am not quite sure? A dark cloud forms and rains down…. but why? I have racked my brain. I have asked tough questions. I have dug deep, deeper then I know others are even capable of going. I have blamed others. I have…
Read MoreHow do you Feel about your Son’s Autism Diagnosis?
Our son was diagnosed with autism in October 2018. It’s taken me some time to feel comfortable talking about his diagnosis. I just wasn’t ready to talk about how I was feeling. But now I think I am finally ready to answer the inevitable question that follows my disclosure: So, how do you feel about your son’s autism diagnosis? It’s not a short answer because I have lots of different feelings about the diagnosis… Relief My initial emotion when I got the diagnosis was relief. Relief that the past two…
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