Posts Tagged ‘Autism diagnosis’
The Heartache of Early Autism
A high-pitched, eardrum-puncturing, almost inhuman scream came from behind me. The sound quickly filled the room and immediately pierced my heart. Instead of turning around, I reached for the door handle, shut the door tightly, leaving her on the other side. As I walked down the stairs, her screaming never let up. I went outside, sat on our porch swing and began to gently press my bare feet into the pebbled pavement causing the swing to sway slowly back and forth. The warm rays of the sun and refreshing cool breeze beckoned me to look upward,…
Read MoreBad Timing
Want to hear about bad timing? My nephew, my little sister’s first child was born around 4 am on August 7, 2014. At 10 am that morning I was told that my 10 week old fetus had no heartbeat. The next day, my 31st birthday would be spent physically ridding my body of the baby I had prayed for…for a year. I have a photo of me holding my beautiful nephew Jackson that day. I genuinely felt such happiness for my sister and brother in law but in the picture…
Read MoreI’m Sorry, Your Son Has Autism
These words hit me like a ton of bricks. Like a wrecking ball to my soul. It felt like my world came crashing down on me and I was drowning in quick sand all at the same time. Even though I already knew in my heart that my son had Autism. After all I was a teacher of students with Autism for 21 years at that time so I could tell Cole was not developing skills he should have had by age 2. He did not speak or make intelligible…
Read MoreI Saw You Judge Us
I saw you. We got in line behind you at one of the snack stands. You had three kids and another adult with you. Your kids were calm. Patient. Quiet. Speaking politely. I saw you. I saw the look on your face change from smiles to annoyance as my three year old began to get very active…trying to run. I saw you. I saw you roll your eyes as his meltdown started. I saw the nasty look you shot our way before muttering something to your companion. I saw the…
Read MoreI had Plans for us Kid
I had plans as a mother. Big plans. Plans that I can admit didn’t include autism. Even today, after 8 years, sometimes I still find myself wondering how my plans got so derailed. How we got here. I’ll be giving my son a bath, washing his feet, and I’ll look up at him eating bubbles, throwing his head back, smiling, squealing, and I’ll wonder how this happened. Or he’ll be having a meltdown, self injuring, and screaming over turning left, a walk to the park or a crinkle in his…
Read MoreSpecial Needs Parenting Changes Us Entirely
Special needs parenting changes us entirely. There is no denying that. Because the truth is — the first few years are going to pull you so far away from who you used to be that you won’t even recognize yourself anymore. You’ll find yourself looking in a mirror, bags under your eyes, either heavier, or skinnier, and not recognize yourself. It looks and feels like you’ve aged a hundred years. Or maybe you are standing in a crowded room, feeling entirely isolated and alone, and wonder if you are invisible.…
Read MoreThe Seventh Year
In church we sing, Let the King of my heart Be the wind inside my sailsThe anchor in my waves…‘Cause You are good You are good, oh oh Oh, He is my song…You’re never gonna letYou’re never gonna let me down – Bethel Music My son, tonight I held you as you stood on a chair in our church. I sang this song to you and you smiled at me. I wondered if you understood that I was worshiping and thanking God for trusting me to be your mom. This song resonates with me…
Read MoreThe Handwriting on the Wall…
I walked into the playroom and realized James found the ONE marker that wasn’t tucked away in the closet with the other messy villains like glitter and Play-Doh that are only allowed supervised play dates. He had written his name in large purple letters underneath his big sister’s artwork. When he realized I was standing there, he proudly announced, “Tahdah!” with his charming little smile. While my initial reaction was frustration and to grab my magic eraser, it was quickly replaced with the reminder that not very long ago I…
Read MoreWhy do I have to be ‘That Mom’
Why is it so hard to get services for our kiddos? Why do I feel that I am the only one who sees him? The real him. The fun, silly and loving him. Why do I have to annoy the school constantly….reminding them of who he is and how amazing he is? 4 weeks into school and every week (sometimes daily) it’s been something. He is not mean or aggressive….he is autistic and preverbal. He doesn’t understand what THEY want. He can’t communicate what HE wants. I’m saying what I…
Read MoreRegret, Remorse, Repentance
Every trip to the store ends the same way – with my son screaming and flailing on the floor. It is inevitable and without fail. It doesn’t matter what kind of distractions I use, what type of approach or discipline, he is a ticking time bomb, and within 15 to 20 minutes I will need to leave. It makes it impossible to finish any type of trip to the store or anywhere else really. I would be completely mortified when he screamed, eventually leaving the store in desperation with a…
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