I was at a retail store this past weekend and watched a mom struggling to manage her son during a meltdown. I started thinking about how not that long ago I would have never, ever, ever taken Cooper shopping. At least not on my own. He would run and shriek and I would sweat and cry and vow to never do it again. And finally, when Cooper was 1 1/2 or so I stopped. We stopped going to restaurants and events and whatever other places people go to. There is a…
Read MoreOur family spent the night at a water park on Sunday. Cooper comes alive in the water. It is the one and ONLY activity that he enjoys more than watching his movies. He puts his life jacket on and bobs around and swims. It’s pretty dang cute. And he is so independent in the water. That is wonderful to see. Usually I am the one talking about autism with people. So I was surprised when we sat down in the hot tub and I heard a women talking with Jamie…
Read MoreI’ve been getting to know a lot of other autism mama’s and as we share our stories there are always some common threads. One is the weight of autism. Wherever you are in the journey you can still feel the weight of having a special needs kiddo. And the weight of the unknown. Sometimes I can’t breathe because I am so scared. Another is the loneliness. And I don’t mean loneliness in the sense of physically being alone because I am never alone. Hell, I haven’t pooped alone in 4 years.…
Read MoreToday is World Autism Day. Whoops. Dropped the ball on that one. I didn’t even know there was such a thing. But I probably should know that…MOMMY FAIL. I am staring at Facebook right now and trying to decide if I want to post anything. If I do, then everyone knows that my son has autism. If I don’t, I feel like I am shaming it. Such an odd feeling. What if people look at it and feel bad for me. For our family. I don’t want that. But everyone should know…right? I’m not embarrassed.…
Read MoreIf you talk with a parent of a special needs child they will talk about their journey. And the diagnosis. For some people they are shocked when the diagnosis comes. For others, it happens more slowly. It evolves I guess. Whichever path you are on there will ALWAYS be parts that hurt. Look at me. I am doing better every day. I really am. But I still have very lows moments and days. Moments where I cry in private. Moments where I watch Cooper closer than I’ve ever watched Sawyer.…
Read MoreI don’t know a lot about other autistic children. Hell, I often feel like I have the only nonverbal autistic child in the world. Which I know can’t be true. But it sure feels that way. When I think about a child having a disorder that affects socialization and language my logical (or ignorant) side always assumed they wouldn’t be sweet. Or crave love and affection. But that is the opposite of Cooper. Cooper is so unbelievably sweet. This kid physically doesn’t know how to be mean. Or how to…
Read MoreI said something really horrible about autism. And it wasn’t in the privacy of my own home after few glasses of wine like a good mother would do. It was a full blown word vomit in front of Cooper’s doctor. Sometimes I feel like I am the only mom in the world that has these thoughts. Or at least the only mom that shares them with the world. We brought Cooper to the doctor for his pre-op physical a few days ago. Per the usual Cooper tore that room apart. He gets in these…
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I want to tell you something I’ve learned. If you read my blog regularly you know that I talk mostly about my experiences raising an autistic child and how they make ME feel. I feel like I rarely ever give advice because I spend 95% of the time in survival mode. And autism is the biggest mystery in the world to me. But I try to help when I can. So I am pretty excited to say that I had an epiphany this weekend. I guess you could call it self growth.…
Read MoreYou can ask any autism parent about what it’s like to raise a little person with a big diagnosis. You will get many answers about what it’s like. And that’s because there are no two autistic people that are the same. And on top of that, I think parents acknowledge and accept it in different ways. For me autism is frustrating. And exhausting. And heartbreaking. And dreadfully hopeful. And painful. And above all a process. A slow process that crawls along with glimpses of the future. Autism is expensive. And SO…
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Most days I don’t think about Autism. Not the word or the disorder or anything to do with it. Cooper is just Cooper and he is who he is. And that’s that. Dare I say I was getting cocky. I may even say I let my guard down. Since we did the move and put Coops in intensive therapy there are parts of him that seem almost healed. Or normal. Or whatever PC word I’m allowed to say. Zero meltdowns, good transitions, improved skills, etc. Still no words but great…
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