Posts by Kate Swenson
I’m the Lucky One
I used to lie in bed at night trying to figure out if this will be all okay. Severe. Nonverbal. Autism. Anxiety. ADHD. Long term care. Guardianship. A whole lotta words. Scary words. Sometimes I wonder how one little 8 year old boy can have so many descriptors. What they really mean, when you add them all up, is that you will have challenges that you will have to overcome. But more importantly, they mean the world isn’t designed for you sweet boy. You will spend your whole life trying…
Read MoreAutism, the Invisible Disability
I see you. Walking in front of me. You are here with your family. Your significant other to the right of you and your toddler walking in front of you. It’s the perfect day to visit the aquarium. It’s a Monday and not busy at all. That’s why we are here too, on a Monday. You see, my son, Zachary has autism. Severe nonverbal autism. We like to go to places when the crowds are low and so is the noise. I know you see us too. You have turned…
Read MoreBefore Autism
As my youngest baby’s first birthday approaches, I find myself thinking a lot about Cooper’s early years. He’s almost 9 now. If he went to public school he would be in third grade. A big boy. Double digits not far off. I look at this photo and I remember the desperation I had back then. The worry, fear and dread rolled into one fake smile plastered on my face. In a way my memories are starting to dull. The details not quite as sharp. The pain and worry not quite…
Read MoreIn a Blink you are a Senior
In a blink, seventeen years have come and gone so quickly. This year is your senior year and I couldn’t be more proud. You are happy and finding your way. You have friends, are learning skills to work and even talk about living with friends, not to mention you talk nonstop. It brings me to tears for more reasons than one. Those earlier years were so tough. You couldn’t talk until you were seven, but now I swear you make up for lost time. Time seemed to go by so…
Read MoreThere is an Exhaustion in Forever
It’s 12:49 pm here. I just crawled into his bed and wrapped my arms tightly around him as he sleeps. A much needed nap. I feel his deep breaths go in and out against my chest. His course hair tickling my chin. The smell of syrup still on his cheeks, now covered in salt from crying. The smell of sweat. He is drenched. I let my breath out. The one I’ve been holding for over an hour now. We are home. Everyone is safe. We survived. On this beautiful Saturday…
Read MoreWhen Babies Don’t Sleep
My name is Kate and my beautiful baby doesn’t sleep through the night and there is nothing wrong with him. I feel a relief just saying that out loud! There is this weird stigma around babies who sleep. Or don’t sleep. Like some moms get good babies and some get bad babies. Or babies who don’t sleep through the night have something wrong with them. Or the parents are doing something wrong because their baby wakes up to eat or snuggle or have a dance party at 3 am. It’s…
Read MoreMy Son, You Have Always Been You
My son I have a confession to make. Back when you were little, I used to dream about a you without autism. I was lost, and sad. Worried and confused. And I thought that there was a you, deep inside, that didn’t have autism. I would search for him. I would think, once I find that you, this will be all better. I just have to try harder. I was going to do everything in my power to get to that you. The you who talked. Who played. Who made…
Read MoreNot the Life I Pictured
Some kids go to hockey practice and baseball games. Or theater or an art show. Play dates and birthday parties. That’s what a parent imagines. Cooper and I used to have nothing like that. No outings. No games. Oh how I longed for something. Anything. A place that we could go to together. Now we go to speech together. We go to grocery stores and Target too. We visit places in our community. We visit parking lots just to learn about cars and strangers and practice waving. We always seem to…
Read MoreI Saw You Judge Us
I saw you. We got in line behind you at one of the snack stands. You had three kids and another adult with you. Your kids were calm. Patient. Quiet. Speaking politely. I saw you. I saw the look on your face change from smiles to annoyance as my three year old began to get very active…trying to run. I saw you. I saw you roll your eyes as his meltdown started. I saw the nasty look you shot our way before muttering something to your companion. I saw the…
Read MoreI Wonder About the End
I wonder about the end. The end of autism. And I don’t like that thing (of me) that creeps up through the night as I think. Staring into that corner by the closet where it sits. No matter how I try the thought it crawls on me. “When are you going to stop hiding? To stop running from me?” It whispers. “You know the truth: that Autism will only ever end when you accept it. When you invite it in.” At the beginning I’d always end up in front of…
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