Posts Tagged ‘Special Needs Parenting’
I Was So Scared of Different
I used to be so scared of different. Of standing out. I preferred to blend in. Not rock the boat. But you kid. You changed all that. You were born to stand out. To be different. When you were little I’d get so scared. The fear would paralyze me. We’d be in a waiting room or at a park. Everyone else would be sitting. Or playing quietly. You’d be flapping. Or making happy noises. Moving chairs. Eating sand. Twirling. Never sitting. Screeching. Grunting. Laughing at sounds or colors. You’d drop…
Read MoreShe’s Just a Kid who Never Learned to Discriminate
An elementary school friend of mine has a daughter not much younger than my own. These days, we only connected through social media and a shared love of our small hometown memories. My daughter had a major speech delay; so did hers. We bonded over the similarities. Her daughter Harper was diagnosed with autism; with a lot of speech therapy–my kid learned to form words. When Kate was old enough to learn about autism, we started discussing it. I mean, we started discussing it before three. She asked all…
Read MoreI’m Sorry, Your Son Has Autism
These words hit me like a ton of bricks. Like a wrecking ball to my soul. It felt like my world came crashing down on me and I was drowning in quick sand all at the same time. Even though I already knew in my heart that my son had Autism. After all I was a teacher of students with Autism for 21 years at that time so I could tell Cole was not developing skills he should have had by age 2. He did not speak or make intelligible…
Read MoreIn My 36th Year…
In my 36th year I am struggling with: Accepting that my 36-year-old body, the one that delivered 3 healthy, big boys, is never going to look 25 again. I’m getting older and I never thought I would be a person that would care about that. Sleep deprivation. I’ve been tired for almost 9 years. Awake multiple times a night and up before 5 am every single day. It’s taking its toll. Some days I don’t know how I am going to clear the cobwebs from my brain and find the…
Read MoreThe Fear of Wandering
Last night, I saw my sweet boy for the first time as a grown young man. My dream was so real. Until now, I really hadn’t been able to picture him outside of toddlerhood. I kind of blame that on autism. Maybe it’s the language barrier between us, or the discomfort of not knowing exactly what his future looks like. For some reason I just couldn’t picture him, or didn’t allow myself to try. He was big, taller than me. Happy and gentle. And strong. He clung tightly to my…
Read MoreI’m the Lucky One
I used to lie in bed at night trying to figure out if this will be all okay. Severe. Nonverbal. Autism. Anxiety. ADHD. Long term care. Guardianship. A whole lotta words. Scary words. Sometimes I wonder how one little 8 year old boy can have so many descriptors. What they really mean, when you add them all up, is that you will have challenges that you will have to overcome. But more importantly, they mean the world isn’t designed for you sweet boy. You will spend your whole life trying…
Read MoreAutism, the Invisible Disability
I see you. Walking in front of me. You are here with your family. Your significant other to the right of you and your toddler walking in front of you. It’s the perfect day to visit the aquarium. It’s a Monday and not busy at all. That’s why we are here too, on a Monday. You see, my son, Zachary has autism. Severe nonverbal autism. We like to go to places when the crowds are low and so is the noise. I know you see us too. You have turned…
Read MoreBefore Autism
As my youngest baby’s first birthday approaches, I find myself thinking a lot about Cooper’s early years. He’s almost 9 now. If he went to public school he would be in third grade. A big boy. Double digits not far off. I look at this photo and I remember the desperation I had back then. The worry, fear and dread rolled into one fake smile plastered on my face. In a way my memories are starting to dull. The details not quite as sharp. The pain and worry not quite…
Read MoreIn a Blink you are a Senior
In a blink, seventeen years have come and gone so quickly. This year is your senior year and I couldn’t be more proud. You are happy and finding your way. You have friends, are learning skills to work and even talk about living with friends, not to mention you talk nonstop. It brings me to tears for more reasons than one. Those earlier years were so tough. You couldn’t talk until you were seven, but now I swear you make up for lost time. Time seemed to go by so…
Read MoreThere is an Exhaustion in Forever
It’s 12:49 pm here. I just crawled into his bed and wrapped my arms tightly around him as he sleeps. A much needed nap. I feel his deep breaths go in and out against my chest. His course hair tickling my chin. The smell of syrup still on his cheeks, now covered in salt from crying. The smell of sweat. He is drenched. I let my breath out. The one I’ve been holding for over an hour now. We are home. Everyone is safe. We survived. On this beautiful Saturday…
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