Posts Tagged ‘motherhood’
I’ll Try Harder to be Better
I haven’t been the best wife, daughter, friend, mom to you and…I’m sorry. You see, today my son’s therapist mentioned she noticed him biting his hand. ‘Self injuring’ was the exact term she used, and he did it five times within their three hour session. She told me to ‘keep an eye on it’ and to notify her if ‘the behaviors worsened’. That’s been on my mind all afternoon. Retracing every step leading up to every ‘behavior’. Wondering what could have set him off… Wondering what we could do differently tomorrow…
Read MoreStop Asking Women When They Are Having Another Baby
I have two amazing sons. My heart feels complete. No, I don’t want to try for a girl. No, I won’t change my mind in a few years. Some questions sit a little differently after you have a child on the spectrum. This one, really raises my blood pressure. I have always wanted 2 children, I thought I would have 1 boy and 1 girl and life would be complete. I had 2 boys, almost SIX years apart. My 2nd has Autism. I knew from the time he was a…
Read MoreI Sorry I Did That
We had a few years as a family that were extremely difficult. It used to make me cry any time I talked about it, so I usually didn’t. Leland’s toddler years were rough. I don’t mean in the terrible twos kind of way. It was more like non-stop screaming, kicking, growling, hitting, with no words kind of way. My husband and I spent countless hours researching and trying different supplements, therapies, and such. We were desperate for anything that would help. We basically stopped going places or doing things. We…
Read MoreYou will Never Understand
To the mom in the grocery store, who stares while my child is screaming, and your child is calmly walking alongside of you…you will never understand. What you don’t see, is that he has sensory processing issues, and he is overstimulated. To the doctor, that says “He will be fine, it’s just a speech delay.” You will never understand. I knew at my child’s one year checkup that something was different. But, you shrugged it off. To the acquaintance that says “Oh, so he is high functioning…he will probably grow…
Read MoreFriend, Take the Picture
I posted these family pictures on my personal page recently. On the caption, I impulsively made the statement, “I’m not sure why we waited seven years to make these happen”. I’m not sure what I was thinking when I said that. Because after reflecting, I know exactly why it took so long. I didn’t take the pictures because things started out hard and I forgot how to breathe. Jackson’s stroke. Then carefully weaning the anti-seizure meds for months. The waiting on the next round of blood work to know if…
Read MoreThe Gift of Perspective
This ‘ten year challenge’ social media trend has me reflecting. There’s a lot of living and learning I went through over the past decade. I finished university, survived my first heartbreak, started my teaching career, gained and lost important relationships, bought and sold two homes, navigated the shock of a miscarriage, found my way back to that guy who broke my heart, had a daughter with and married him, battled through the Autism diagnosis of my toddler and started on an unexpected journey of special needs parenting. Today, I found…
Read MoreI Will Never Be the Same
Yesterday, I couldn’t get out of bed. I barely willed myself to do the dishes. I can’t explain why. Nothing had really “happened.” There wasn’t some explosive meltdown or feelings of inadequacy. I just got scared. So scared. I remember when I was a child and I would wake up from a bad dream and find myself in between my parents, completely safe and free or fear. Now I find myself in my son’s bed, my body curled next to his, never wanting to let go, knowing every morning I…
Read More14 Things that are Ridiculously Hard as a Mother
14 things that I find to be ridiculously, over the top hard, as a mother: Putting eye drops in a child’s eye who refuses to keep their eye open. It is not possible. Nope. By the end of the attempt everyone has pink eye. Wiping a child’s nose and mouth. Or, as I call it, absolute torture. Keeping a hat on a toddler. Enough said. Putting shoes on a child who doesn’t want shoes on. ‘What is happening? Why are you curling your dang toes?’ Getting a child to eat…
Read MoreI am a Different Person Since my Son’s Diagnosis
I am sorry I do not return your texts or phone calls. I am sorry I have to cancel last minute or do not make plans as I’ve promised. I’m sorry I am not the same person. Since my son’s diagnosis and his other medical issues, I am not the same person. I have noticed I have lost my spunk. My life is so chaotic. I feel my life is consisted of being on the phone with insurance or doctors. I am traveling to different therapies, five days a week.…
Read MoreThings I Didn’t Know About Motherhood Until I Became One
I didn’t realize how mad I could get at my spouse over something so silly. I didn’t realize how close to the mental brink a child could push me. And the things I would argue over… I didn’t realize how precious 5 minutes of alone time in the bathroom could be. I didn’t realize how much pee, poop and puke I would clean up. I didn’t know that I would resent the time it takes to shower, eat, pee and poop because they take up too much time. I didn’t…
Read More