Posts Tagged ‘grief’
Hope, Grief, and Grace
My son Jack was diagnosed with autism when he was eighteen months old. It was a cold, gray afternoon in November. He was wearing a blue jacket. He’s fifteen now. A lot has happened since that day in November. I had three more kids and Jack learned to talk and then he learned how to pick the locks and run out the front door. I chased him like my life depended on it, because it did. Finally, we taught him how to hold our hand in the parking lot and…
Read MoreMom, Dad, You have not Failed
I had the honor of meeting with a doctor today. A very important doctor. I was telling him all about my Cooper. What we’ve been through. I started at the beginning. He didn’t sleep. Not ever. Everyone told me it would get better. They said I was exaggerating. Only I knew I wasn’t. I told him it took Cooper six years to sleep through the night. And even today, it’s still a struggle. I told him about the burst ear drums. One after another. How no doctor would get close…
Read MoreA Bittersweet Sixteenth Birthday
My son Brian’s birthday is next week. 16 years. 16 love-filled anxiety ridden years. 16 years that I could never have predicted in my most worrisome of scenarios, but the 16 years I’ve grown the most in my life. Some times you need knocked around to know what you are made of and knocked around is exactly how I feel as we turn the calendar to Brian’s birthday month. Brian’s birthday, 12-12, is the most bittersweet day of the year for me. It is more meaningful than any holiday, anniversary, or…
Read MoreBattling Anxiety and Depression When Birthday’s Come
I think it is very safe to say that most parents of children with autism are battling anxiety or depression…or a bit of both, depending on the day. How couldn’t we? From the time our children were tiny and specialists noticed they were ‘different’, we have been fighting every day of our lives. Fighting for them to receive the therapies they need. Fighting to have them included in this world. Fighting to teach them all they need to know so that hopefully…one day…they ‘might’ catch up. And this is where…
Read MorePlease See The Whole Picture
I share a lot of our struggle. I need it to be seen. It cannot be the part of autism that gets ignored to make others more comfortable. And I feel like so much of severe autism gets minimized. It has to have a voice! I don’t just want people to be aware or accept, I want you to be a voice, an advocate and see the whole picture. You have to see the dark, because it is there whether you want to see it or not. However, with that…
Read MoreFriend, Please Allow Me to Feel and Worry
Friend, parent, partner, even a stranger on Facebook… I have a request for you. It’s going to sound really simple to you. Maybe even silly. But here goes. Please allow me to feel everything when it comes to my child’s diagnosis. Let me feel all the feelings and worry about all the worries, no matter how irrational or ridiculous they sound to you. Please, pretty please, don’t try to silence me. Or rush me along in the process. Please don’t make me feel guilty for feeling or acting a certain…
Read MoreThe Heartache of Early Autism
A high-pitched, eardrum-puncturing, almost inhuman scream came from behind me. The sound quickly filled the room and immediately pierced my heart. Instead of turning around, I reached for the door handle, shut the door tightly, leaving her on the other side. As I walked down the stairs, her screaming never let up. I went outside, sat on our porch swing and began to gently press my bare feet into the pebbled pavement causing the swing to sway slowly back and forth. The warm rays of the sun and refreshing cool breeze beckoned me to look upward,…
Read MoreThe Only Moments That Matter
This morning I saw a commercial. It was for some insurance company. Perfect family, house and kids. The oldest graduating from high school. The tag line something like…these are the moments we prepare for. The only moments that matter. I’ve been thinking about it all day. My mind keeps going back to it. The only moments that matter… First day of school. Graduation. A college acceptance letter. First job. A promotion, Marriage. Babies. Retirement. But what if a person doesn’t achieve those moments? Does their life not matter? My son…
Read MoreBefore Autism
As my youngest baby’s first birthday approaches, I find myself thinking a lot about Cooper’s early years. He’s almost 9 now. If he went to public school he would be in third grade. A big boy. Double digits not far off. I look at this photo and I remember the desperation I had back then. The worry, fear and dread rolled into one fake smile plastered on my face. In a way my memories are starting to dull. The details not quite as sharp. The pain and worry not quite…
Read MoreMore Than Just a Dog
Last night our family said goodbye to our chocolate lab, Bauer. It was sudden. It was unexpected. And it was traumatic. He woke up fine. Around mid-day he started having trouble walking. By 4 we were at the vet. At 4:30 the vet told me that he had a splenic rupture caused by a tumor and his tummy was filling with fluid. She told us our options. And then we asked her what she would do if it was her dog. By 6 he was gone. He died in my…
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