Posts Tagged ‘fear’
Yet, I Worried
Imagine living each day surrounded by reminders of the challenges you face. School, and therapy, and even Mom and Dad, all well-intentioned but whose best efforts revolve a great deal around examining those challenges, and how best to address them. And then there’s baby sissy. Who by all accounts doesn’t understand that Leo is considered “different” by some. She doesn’t see challenges, delays, or stims, or even lack of language as a negative…Instead, she hangs on every one of his vocalizations. Every stim and every move he makes. She doesn’t…
Read MoreLearning to Lean Into the Fear
Sometimes I will be sitting in my living room, watching my son, and all of a sudden feel fear. It will come out of nowhere almost consuming my thoughts. Paralyzing me. I’ll see a flash of the future. A glimpse twenty years from now. It’s not fear of the diagnosis. Or the label. Not anymore. It’s not fear of being different or standing out. Nope, we embrace that here. And it’s not fear of paving our own path. Because there is beauty in achieving milestones and goals at a different…
Read MoreThe Fear of Silence
This morning I listened to a sermon about silence. How in today’s world it is hard to find. And how most people say they want more silence, but when they get it, they fear it. They can’t take it. It’s too quiet. I sat there listening, bouncing my baby on my knee, and thought about how I was probably the only person in the room that knows the silence of an eight year old boy. Of a nonverbal boy. And how loud it can truly be. How your brain can…
Read MoreWhat I Know is Different than How I Feel
I know he was born in 2010 on a cold, icy winter day after what felt like days of pushing. His birth was traumatic. At least that’s how it felt to me. I remember them saying he’s not breathing. I watched them gather around the table. So many hands. All rubbing him. I was waiting for the cry. I kept looking at my doctors face to see if he was panicked. He was an old pro. He’d been doing this for years. He seemed fine. Never sweating. Never appearing frazzled.…
Read MoreMother Posts Sign on House to Protect Autistic Son from Police
This story is almost three years old. I just learned of it today. I saw the photo above on Facebook. And I instantly felt ill. Sick to my stomach. Because I knew. This is the reality for so many parents in my world. This is my greatest fear. And I know say that a lot. I worry about who will care for Cooper after I am gone. Who will keep him safe. But in the now, in the day-to-day, I worry about protecting him from the world. He is nonverbal.…
Read MoreFellow Mom, I will Pray for your Peace
I’ve prayed for peace a lot. When you have anxiety, you learn how to manage it and be more calm. Prayer is my favorite and most regularly used tool. If you’re a mom of a child with autism, I will pray for your peace too. When I pray, I usually spend a lot of time in gratitude. It’s hard to worry about anything when you are being thankful for the present. If you’re in conflict with anything or anyone, you can’t be at peace. Anger is not a peaceful place…
Read MoreThe Second Day of Kindergarten
When motherhood arrived, one of the many moments I looked forward to with warm cozy anticipation was the first day of kindergarten experience. I enjoyed collecting the kindergarten wardrobe and elementary school kid supplies. I remember laying my oldest daughter’s new school clothes across her bed while we carefully chose the first day outfit perfection. Then the day arrived and I was full of “I love you!” and “Mommy and Daddy are so proud of you” and then, the ever so common bittersweet “How did you grow up so fast?”…
Read MoreWe’d Become What I Was Most Afraid Of….
When my son was diagnosed with autism over four years ago, I remember not being able to picture him as a teen. And not one person in my life, not doctors, not therapists, could tell me what the future held. The unknown is very, very hard. I think it’s harder than knowing. I so badly needed a glimpse of the future. I needed to know what nonverbal looked like at age 15. Or 20. But I was scared too. I am big enough to admit that I wasn’t ready to…
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