Posts Tagged ‘autism’
Navigating the Autism Maze
When I first learned our sweet, beautiful daughter had autism I felt as if a tsunami had swept me up, taking with it my family’s happiness and peace. I thought from here on, our life would be limited to therapies and hardships. I was frightened and uncertain about our now shaky future. Would our almost three year old daughter ever be able to fully communicate? What type of relationship could she and I have as she grew older? She blends in now, but what sort of behaviors might she develop…
Read MoreNot the Summer I Expected
I am a special ed teacher. I am so fortunate to have my summers off. I look forward to them. After April vacation the countdown begins. I get to spend time with my boys doing all the things they love; going to the beach, swimming, playgrounds, hanging with their cousins and my friends’ children. Only this will not be the case for one of my sons. My 3 year old Dominic will spend a 32 hours a week at his ABA center. He will go to occupational therapy. This hit…
Read MoreLetting him Experience Life without Me
This one. This one right here. He was the little for almost six years. Now he’s the middle. In a way he’s always been the oldest. He knows that. I know that. It used to be unspoken about. Until one day he asked me. He said, ‘I’m the older brother, aren’t I mom?’ I smiled. I cried. I hugged him. He knew. He loves fishing, riding bike, playing baseball and hockey. He loves being away from home. Being gone. Doing stuff. Socializing. He has no time for movies or iPads.…
Read MoreWaiting for a Diagnosis
Before we had our third baby we knew there was a chance. When I googled, it said something like a 25% chance. That number felt high. Really high. So high, that my husband and I fought about it. We cried about it. We debated. We rationalized. We prayed about it. One day I would say let’s go for it. And he would say…we can’t handle two kids with special needs. The next week I would be exhausted from therapies and behaviors and say…we can’t risk it. Two kids is perfect.…
Read MoreI’m Not Scared Anymore
My dear, sweet Harper. Where do I even begin. You were my first born, my first true love. When I found out that I was pregnant, I thought about all of the things that you would do. I wondered what you would be like. Would you be smart like your Daddy, sassy like your Mama? Would you play t-ball, go to dances, have a girlfriend, go to college, get married, have children of your own? I pictured it all. In my head…I could see it. I could see you, out…
Read MoreYou Must Love Him Differently
‘You must love him differently,’ she said. I looked at her curiously when she said that. ‘Why?’ I asked. ‘Because he needs you so much more than the other two. Because of the autism.’ I didn’t know what to say at first. She went there. Without fear. Without hesitation. I smiled and said, ‘I love him because he’s mine. I don’t love him any more or less or any different than his brothers. Autism has never changed a thing with my love for him.’ I love him because he made…
Read MoreI Need to Live Forever
Yesterday, while driving in the car, my husband and I had the conversation I have been dreading for years. The conversation that makes my heart hurt and brings tears to my eyes instantly. The conversation about the future. The one that needs to be discussed but breaks my heart to even think about. When I first became a mother to a little boy, I pictured ball games and cleaning muddy feet before they walked into my house. I pictured a future so different than the one we were discussing. Our…
Read MoreFinding My Independence
We lasted 15 minutes at our neighborhood 4th of July celebration tonight. He didn’t even see a firework. His anxiety has been high all week, I knew better. I feel guilty for taking him but know I would have felt guilty if we didn’t attempt to go. I hugged my dude and put him to bed. He loves bedtime flashlight story time. He doesn’t even care he missed the fireworks. Yet I’m back in the sorrows tonight. It’s so crazy how up and down it all is. There are no…
Read MoreAge is Just a Number in Our World
You were sitting on the floor. Near me. You like to be close. But not too close. Just close enough to see me. And know I’m near. I thought before the baby was born that you might struggle with sharing me. I was wrong thankfully. You seem to have no problem with me caring for the baby. As long as I’m close. As long as I’m home. On this beautiful, lazy evening, while you sat sprawled out next to me watching Daniel Tiger, I was playing with your baby brother.…
Read MoreWe Want You Here
We. Want. You. Here. Four words, 13 letters. Those four words are words that I just recently realized have a huge impact, not just on the recipient, but on the person saying them. As a family, we spent years adapting to autism. We started with Early Intervention when he was 18 months, moved into a public pre-school program when my tiny nonverbal child was just three and could barely walk up and down stairs. We walked circles with his baby brother around Children’s Hospital three days a week for two…
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