I’m Not Scared Anymore

My dear, sweet Harper.

Where do I even begin. You were my first born, my first true love.

When I found out that I was pregnant, I thought about all of the things that you would do. I wondered what you would be like.

Would you be smart like your Daddy, sassy like your Mama?

Would you play t-ball, go to dances, have a girlfriend, go to college, get married, have children of your own?

I pictured it all.

In my head…I could see it.

I could see you, out on the baseball field with all of your friends. Your Daddy on the sidelines, cheering you on.

Now, you are four. Four!

I have slowly came to the realization that you might never do any of these things. And that’s okay.

It took me a long time to be okay.

As I sit here and look at you today, I am so proud of the little boy you have become. Loving, happy, sensitive, full of joy.

When I think back about how scared I was when I first heard the word Autism, I wonder why?

That’s a lie. I know why. Because I was scared for you! Not me. I didn’t want things to be harder for you.

I didn’t want you to struggle. I didn’t want you to worry. I didn’t want you to be confused.

I still worry every single day. And I know that I will worry about you until the day I die.

But, what I do know is…

I’m not scared anymore.

Sure. Autism is stressful. Scary at times. Constant.

It’s also the most wonderful journey that I’ve ever been on.

So many things wrapped into one.

But, it’s nice to let go of that fear, and just enjoy you for you! As we sit here right now, watching PJ Masks, and running laps around the house…I’m taking it all in! All of the squeals, screeches, laughs, and hugs!

To some, you might act different, do things a little different, play a little different…but you are YOU! This is our normal, and I love every single bit of it.

Everyday is an adventure.

You have taught me so much, and have made me a better person. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

I’m so happy that you are mine.

Written by, Sarah Bybee

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Finding Cooper's Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you're never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village....all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to my page!

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