Finding My Independence
We lasted 15 minutes at our neighborhood 4th of July celebration tonight. He didn’t even see a firework.
His anxiety has been high all week, I knew better.
I feel guilty for taking him but know I would have felt guilty if we didn’t attempt to go.
I hugged my dude and put him to bed. He loves bedtime flashlight story time.
He doesn’t even care he missed the fireworks.
Yet I’m back in the sorrows tonight.
It’s so crazy how up and down it all is. There are no 2 days alike. What worked yesterday won’t work tomorrow.
I just need to regroup tonight. Take a breath, just like I tell him.
Some days are easy and I don’t let anything get me down but tonight I’m just letting it all hang out.
The fears, the worries, the what if’s……..the grief.
It’s always there, hidden back a bit. We mask it, color it and fill it but it still hurts.
Daniel Tiger is in my head…..when something seems bad turn it around and find something new.
It’s time I stop trying to do the typical. We aren’t a typical family.
I’m going to say it…Holidays are the worst.
They always end in tears. Why keep doing it?!
It’s just so hard to shut the world out. I want him to experience everything. I want his childhood to be magical.
His childhood is magical already in his own way.
He room is his haven and his happy place.
Restarting a video 1,000 times brings him utter joy.
He is happy. I have to find a way to accept that.
His happy just looks different.
I have to start saying no to things because it’s what’s best for him.
I have to stop caring what anyone thinks we should do.
Who cares if we miss a birthday party?
Who cares if someone else is offended that we didn’t come to a cookout?
If you aren’t here living it, you don’t get it so you don’t get to be offended.
Boom.
I hope everyone had a great 4th celebrating their way.
I hope that if it was a rough one you try something new next year or just stay in your haven where the magic never ends.
I declare my independence to what should/could/would be and am happy to live right here in this world with my little firecracker.
Be Kind.
Written by, An Anonymous Mother
Finding Cooper’s Voice accepts guest posts from writers who choose to stay anonymous. I do this because so many of these topics are hard to talk about. The writers are worried about being shamed. They are worried about being judged. As a writer and mother I totally get it. But I also understand the importance of telling our stories. And this will ALWAYS be a safe place to do it.
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