The Person

I never wanted to be The Person. You know, The Person—the one in a marriage who handles all the kid stuff, like changing the diapers and checking the homework folder and buying shoes. (The Person is also known as the Default Parent, The Micromanager, or the Helicopter Mom.) I did pretty well for the first year I was a mother. Our oldest son Joey was born and, for the most part, my husband Joe and I handled the responsibility of taking care of a new baby fairly equally. I didn’t care how he swaddled him,…

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Watching the World Through Autism’s Eyes

Hi. My name is Carrie.  I am married to a man named Joe, and we have five kids. Our second child, Jack, is diagnosed with autism. He is almost seventeen years old. We spend a lot of time working on open-ended questions with Jack: who, what, where, when, and why.  Who is your favorite teacher? What would you like for dinner? Where did you put your glasses? When do you want to leave for the store? Why do you think Billie Eilish is the greatest singer of all time? See, you can’t answer these kinds of questions with…

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The Brightest Sky

Hi. My name is Carrie. I have five kids. My second son, Jack, is diagnosed with autism. I used to think the hardest part of autism was the day we got the actual diagnosis—the day I walked into the cold rain of a November afternoon, and attempted to zip my squirming toddler’s jacket. I was wrong. I’m wrong a lot, if we’re being honest here. The hardest part is now. Sure, a lot of it was hard—the nights when he didn’t sleep, the long days chasing him around and making sure he…

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Autism’s Fingerprints

My name is Carrie, and I have five kids. My second son has autism. His name is Jack. He is sixteen. Autism impacts the way he eats, sleeps, learns, and moves.  Let me tell you what else autism does. It takes a perfectly ordinary activity, and smudges it with its greasy fingerprints. It turns up the volume, and makes everything so bright and glaring, you have to squint to see any of the goodness that might be left.  There is no manual for this—for figuring out how to clear through…

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Where are the Trophies for Kids Like Him?

The first time I explained my son Jack had autism, we were at the Bronx Zoo. He was about eighteen months old.  I was pregnant. The zoo was crowded. And he took every opportunity to run away from me.  When he wasn’t running into throngs of people with their own little kids, he was trying to grab half-eaten pretzels from the garbage cans, or snatch napkins off the hotdog carts. He was terrified of the animals—all of them, the doe-eyed deer in their green valleys, the multicolored birds peering down…

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The Extraordinary Goodness All Around Us

Hi. My name is Carrie. I have five kids, and my second son has autism. His name is Jack.  Jack is sixteen years old now. Theoretically, he is a junior in high school. Theoretically, he can drive a car. Theoretically, he should be studying for the SAT’s and maybe looking at colleges and trying to decide what the next chapter of his life may hold. There is nothing theoretical about autism though. That’s the thing.  Autism is a concrete set of symptoms that, like a set of parentheses around a…

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When it Snows

Research says people with autism often struggle with crushing anxiety, and may have a hard time forging meaningful connections with family, friends, and various social groups.  When I read things like this, I see little more than a collection of letters on a page. As hard as I try, I cannot find my son within the sentences. And yet it is true, about the anxiety and the struggle to connect. Most of it, anyway. Or maybe some of it.  { 5:46 in the morning } Mom. Mom. Wake up. Jack,…

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Good People

For almost two years now, my son Jack has wanted a job. He wanted to work. I still don’t know why he chose the place he did—a local pasta restaurant in the center of town. He went online to their website and researched the requirements. Carefully, he printed out the application. He sat at the kitchen counter and answered the questions about his age, birthdate, and previous experience. He asked if he was a US citizen. I assured him he was. They hired him. For over a year, he has…

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Battling the Darkness

There was a time our life changed. We went from ‘typical parents’ to special needs parents. Although I still don’t see the differences. We have a different struggle, but we are still parents. Autism crept into our lives and changed the way we used our voice, while we were fighting for other kids. It sneaked into ours and asked us to use our voice for our own children. Our son was the first to be diagnosed…never did we think we would take the same road twice. I think I grieved…

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To My Special Son as You Approach Adulthood

I cannot believe how quickly the last seventeen years has flown by.   When I glance over at you, intently focused on the television screen with unshaven stubble presently on your face, I can vividly picture my adorable, chubby cheeked toddler.   I remember every minute of each therapy session you tolerated multiple days a week like it was yesterday – always working extremely hard to overcome significant motor delays, never giving up on hitting those many milestones, at your own pace.   Your ability to invent creative solutions for…

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