When it Snows
Research says people with autism often struggle with crushing anxiety, and may have a hard time forging meaningful connections with family, friends, and various social groups.
When I read things like this, I see little more than a collection of letters on a page. As hard as I try, I cannot find my son within the sentences.
And yet it is true, about the anxiety and the struggle to connect. Most of it, anyway. Or maybe some of it.
{ 5:46 in the morning }
Mom. Mom. Wake up.
Jack, what is it?
Snow, there is snow. Outside.
Okay, that’s okay. Go back to bed.
Today, I work at 4:30. This afternoon.
{7:39 am }
Mom. Mom. For it is still. Snowing.
I know, buddy, let’s get some breakfast.
What if. I can’t go. To work.
We’ll just have to wait and see. How about waffles?
Today, I work. At 4:30.
{ 10:16, later that morning }
I want to go to work. At 4:30.
I know, Jack-a-boo, I know. We just have to wait—
I HATE. To WAIT. And SEE.
{ 12:02 pm }
It will NOT STOP SNOWING IT IS THE AFTERNOON I HAVE TO GO TO WORK.
Jack, please, calm down. Breathe. Take a deep breath.
I HAVE TO WORK AT 4:30.
Jack, I think they might call you off.
What. Does this mean. To CALL OFF.
It means they won’t need you. Because of the weather.
NO, no no I have to go. I have to make pasta I have to go to work. At 4:30.
{ 1:17 in the afternoon }
MOM. I have to. GO TO WORK.
Jack! Please, be patient. They’ll let us know if they need you.
Today I WORK. At 4:30. I HAVE TO GO TO WORK. TODAY.
{ 2:30, exactly one hour, thirteen minutes later }
It is now 2:30. I have to work. At 4:30.
It is now 2:43. When will I know. For to call off.
The time is 2:58. There is no email. About the F&$*# CALLING OFF.
{ Thirty-two minutes later. }
Jack, your supervisor sent an email. They don’t need you.
They don’t need me?
No, buddy, it’s slow tonight, because of the snow.
{ 4:11 pm }
They don’t need me.
No, Jack, not tonight.
For me. I don’t have work today.
{ 4:14 pm }
They do not need me.
Not tonight, Jack-a-boo.
They do not. Need me.
{ 8:45 pm }
Jack, buddy. It’s time to get some sleep. Let me help you with your pillows.
But do they know. How much I wanted to work today.
They do, they know.
For I want them. To need me.
Research is good.
Yet it fails to completely capture this boy, and his autism.
It doesn’t begin to describe the loneliness, and the longing—the deep crescendo of hope bundled into each and every day.
It cannot predict the chaos and turmoil brought about by an unexpected snowstorm.
He needs six pillows to sleep at night. Not five, or seven, but exactly six.
My son.
My sun.
Written by, Carrie Cariello
Carrie Cariello is the author of What Color Is Monday, How Autism Changed One Family for the Better, and Someone I’m With Has Autism. She lives in Southern New Hampshire with her husband, Joe, and their five children. Carrie is a contributor to the Huffington Post, TODAY Parents, the TODAY Show, Parents.com. She has been interviewed by NBC Nightly News, and also has a TEDx talk.
She speaks regularly about autism, marriage, and motherhood, and writes a weekly blog at www.carriecariello.com. One of her essays, “I Know What Causes Autism,” was featured as one of the Huffington Post’s best of 2015, and her piece, “I Know Why He Has Autism,” was named one of the top blog posts of 2017 by the TODAY Show.
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