Autism
Finding Your Way Back to God After a Diagnosis
I just came from church. I went alone today. I could have brought my two younger children but honestly, I needed 60 minutes to myself to sit and think. I chuckle at what I consider to be a ‘relaxing break’ now. Anyhow I don’t often talk about church on this page. Because like politics and vaccinating and puzzle pieces and the color blue, it can anger people. And that isn’t what my mission is about. I refuse to argue about autism. Not anymore. I’m too busy making sure my son…
Read MoreWhen People See Our Autism
Yesterday, I had the rare opportunity to watch my son interact with the world outside of our home and therapy. But even more interestingly, I was able to watch the world react to him. Typically, people, strangers, onlookers, observe him with curiosity. Often with kindness. And caution. Sometimes with a little judgement. And even a little fear. That last one kills me. One of the hardest things to process, understand and feel as a mom is seeing people be afraid of my child. The little boy who cries when someone…
Read MoreLife Has a Way of Changing
You want to know what’s amazing about life? And my kid? And hard work? And goals? And hope? This. This right here. A simple trip to the grocery store. Something that most families take for granted. Something that we are always working on. Calm body. Walking. Being safe. Waiting. Communicating. But more importantly, being out in the community. A year ago I would have never dreamed that I would have met him and his therapist at the grocery store. That goal wasn’t even an option. Or that he would wait…
Read MoreThe Little Brother with the Old Soul
Today is Sawyer’s seventh birthday. Which is a really big deal. But honestly, what he said to me this afternoon makes it even more special. We had arrived at Cooper’s school to pick him up for the day. It was Jamie, Sawyer, the baby and I. Cooper came running out. All excited. His therapist said we have something to say to Sawyer. Cooper was jumping up and down and clumsily pushed a button on his speech device. ‘Happy Birthday!’ the automated voice said. Then he giggled and clapped. ‘Thanks buddy’…
Read MoreHow We Show Love In Our House
Cooper has always communicated by touching faces. I like to believe it’s a nonverbal thing. And a Cooper thing. In my mind it’s a way to feel someone’s emotions when it’s hard to understand the words. Or facial expressions. It’s a way to say ‘I love you’ or ‘I am mad’ when the words can’t come out. It’s a way to get someone’s attention too. If Cooper really likes you, he will touch your face. This morning, and every single morning for the last six years, he has woke me…
Read MoreHe Never Gave Up On Me
I have a son. Three actually. They are all very different. My oldest is 9 years old. His name is Cooper. He was Cooper from the second I found out I was pregnant. There was no other name. Although we don’t really call him that anymore. We call him Snoopy. And Snoops. And Snoopy Joy. And sometimes even ‘turn it down.’ He is the most complicated, easiest, and interesting person I know. He doesn’t say much. But yet never, ever stops making noise. He moves really fast sometimes. And other…
Read MoreWe Get Forever Together
This morning I was trying to distract your baby brother by doing This Little Piggy on his toes. I was exhausted. You had been up since 3:45 AM and the baby had been up 4 times throughout the night. It was safe to say mama was not in the best mood. But you boys were. Happy as can be. Loud. Running. Laughing. Getting into everything. I grabbed your brother and plopped him up in the chair and started saying the words in my overly dramatic way. ‘This LITTLE piggy went…
Read MoreWe Are Not Our Bad Days
We had a tough morning over here. The details don’t matter I guess but after I left him at school, I felt like I had run a marathon. I felt a little bruised…my body, my heart and my ego. I felt sad for him. I hate that he can’t communicate. I felt confused as his mother, and even a little depleted. I felt like I wasn’t enough. Because I don’t have the answers. I don’t know why or even how to fix it. I do my very best to always…
Read MoreImagine Something Hurts
Imagine something hurts. But you can’t tell anyone. You want too. You try even. But it comes out in different ways. Ways that people don’t understand. You try to get attention. But they won’t listen. You scream. You hit your head. Because that’s where the pain is. The screaming makes people frustrated. The hitting makes people stare. You drop to the ground because you are exhausted. You roll. You try to get the pain out of your head by pressing your ear to the cold, cool ground. People stare more.…
Read MoreThe World Outside of Our Home
One of the most amazing things that has happened in the last few months is our son’s desire to leave our home. To go places. To try things. And to communicate about it. We never went anywhere for years. Seven years to be exact. We were always home. Safely inside triple locked doors and fences. We went to therapy, the occasional doctor’s trip, and to see grandparents but that was it. When we did go somewhere we always had to drive the same route. Do the same things. See the…
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