Archive for February 2020
The Things I Don’t Say
Our 5 yr old won an award at school. He goes to a public school and is in a special needs room. The school was having a breakfast today to celebrate the children for creativity and my husband and I were so excited to attend. It’s hard to go to the events at school because it’s confusing for him but we do our best and do lots of prep work. He first saw us and panicked….no no no. He was confused as to why we are at school. He thinks it’s…
Read MoreHere is Me
Here is me. I am Jack. Here is me, and here is my autism. See, I am a boy and a diagnosis tangled together like so many vines climbing a tree. I am the rustle of paperwork, and small white pills in a vial. I am honesty, and tenacity, and a body in motion. I am a boy trying to hide. I am downcast eyes. And a hopeful heart. I am repetitive behavior. And special meetings in an overheated conference room. I am letters on paper—a statistic., a number, a…
Read MoreThe Silent Moments And The Loudest Thoughts
In horror movies, the silence often lets us know something bad is about to happen. We tense our bodies, pull the covers up in preparation, and anticipate the worst. We do the same in special needs parenting, or in my case, being the mother of a nonverbal autistic son. Sometimes I feel like there is so much silence that it could consume me whole. It’s not just the moments when I look into my beautiful son’s eyes and try with every cell in my body to will him to say…
Read MoreToday, I Failed
Today, I failed you. I yelled. You cried. I cried. As we were doing our normal morning routine, fighting about putting your jeans on, I was already anxious. Worried about how school drop offs would be, worried if you were going to get upset as I walked down the hall to leave the school… all the normal morning anxiety. After the jeans debacle, you were finally dressed. Not without a little negotiation, of course. “First jeans, then bunny socks!” Harper has some socks with a bunny on the side… he is…
Read MoreThe Secret to Parenting is to Love Them Through
I have a secret for you. Most of the time I don’t know what I’m doing in the world of parenting. Nor have I ever claimed too. I mean I obviously know to brush my kid’s teeth and feed them fruit once in a while. I know to put sunscreen on them, hug and kiss them a dozen times a day, and not giggle when they say swears, but beyond that, I am mostly just winging it. Especially when it comes to my first born. I joke that my autism…
Read MoreToday, Both my Boys Went to School
Today was a really big day in our little world. Huge really. This morning Cooper went to his brother’s school to have his school photo taken by Lifetouch. See, these two boys should be in school together. They should be in first and third grade and riding the bus to and from school together. But they are not. It is what it is I guess. This was a big deal for both of them. We’ve been talking about it for over a week. A new shirt! A fancy haircut! A…
Read MoreThere is Always Next Year
There is always next year… At age two we went to a restaurant for the last time. We started early intervention and learned how different our son was from his peers. At age three he was diagnosed with autism and we were told all the things he would never do. At age four we locked our house down. Three locks on every single door. Window alarms. Fences. We realized we couldn’t go places outside of our home. We started having aggressions and self injuring behavior. At age five it got…
Read MoreJoin Coop’s Troops!
A year ago in January I was going through, once again, some pretty brutal bullying online. I had written a post about jealousy in the special needs world. I had said that sometimes I get jealous of 8 year old boys with blonde hair and hazel eyes who can speak and ask questions and talk my year off about Star Wars. I said that I can be fine, feet planted fully in acceptance, invincible really, living in my special needs bubble…and then…out of nowhere, I’ll see the other side. Eight…
Read MoreHi, I’m Ben and I’m Autistic
This story was shared with me by one of the women in my Supporter group. Grab a tissue. Just a little story from yesterday. I’m an Area Manager for a cleaning company and am always hiring. I had an interview yesterday with a young man named Ben. His Mom had called me before hand to tell me a little about him. He’s autistic and was nonverbal until age 12. He’s now 19 and she said she really didn’t want to waste my time but if I could just interview him…
Read MoreHope is a Funny Thing
Hope is a funny thing. It ebbs and flows. It even changes over the years. When I found out I was pregnant for the second time I hoped I wouldn’t miscarry. I hoped for a happy, healthy, ‘like every other kid I knew’, baby. I secretly hoped for a girl too. When I found out I was having a boy at 20 weeks, and that we would name him Cooper, I hoped for baseball games, camping, swimming, biking and fishing. I hoped for endless conversations and a beautiful family. I…
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