Posts Tagged ‘anxiety and autism’
The Battles and Blessings of Anxiety
The past couple of days have been tough ones. A triple dose of my daughter Casadee’s struggles with socializing and anxiety. We had planned a dinner date with her ‘boyfriend’ and his family so we could give Manny his birthday gift. Casadee had been looking forward to it and talking about it for days. We know plans with Casadee don’t always work out because of her social anxiety, so we are playing it cool and not saying much about it. Little reminders here and there. We’ve learned you can’t spring…
Read MoreWaiting for the Train
I write and talk a lot about anxiety on this page. Anxiety in children. The only anxiety I know personally. The only anxiety I live. I refer to it as a train sometimes. A big black ominous one. And my son is standing on the tracks. I am next to him, holding his hand. I don’t know if he sees it or even feels it coming. But I can. I can see it coming, picking up speed. But I am helpless. There is no stopping it just like there is…
Read MoreA Picture Tells the Story, Doesn’t It?
Does a picture really say a thousand words? There is so much more to our story. It was the 4th of July. We were excited for fireworks, family, neighborhood fun. We planned ahead. Casadee has a friend sleeping over. I got them matching 4th of July outfits including accessories. Flag shirts, red white and blue necklaces, bracelets, patriotic tattoos, Stars and Stripes sunglasses, headbands. So hopeful. The neighborhood is throwing a block party. Waterslide, bounce house, face paint, games, raffles and food truck. The whole neighborhood turned out it seems. Kids running, laughing,…
Read MoreWaiting for Anxiety
My ten year old son has anxiety. Such a simple sentence. One that rolls off my tongue. Like my son has blonde hair or my boy loves trains. The meaning of the sentence is unbelievably complicated though. One with layers of meaning. Some people don’t believe in anxiety. They think it’s a made up thing. Maybe one time I did too. That was before my son. Before autism. Before I met the most amazing, complicated boy who uses movies to communicate. I think of his anxiety as a train sometimes.…
Read MoreTelling the Story of a Boy with Autism
When I walked into the store, you were standing in the produce section near the fruit. The first thing I noticed about you was your jacket. I love that color blue, and it looked nice with your dark hair. I walked past you, and I almost tripped over an empty basket someone had left in the middle of the aisle. I glanced over my shoulder and I smiled. I rolled my eyes a little. “Who would leave their basket like this?” You looked up from your bag of apples, and…
Read MoreWhat I Can Control
One of the best pieces of advice ever given to me came from a pediatrician when my third son was 7 days old. I sat in the exam room, dirty hair, bags under my eyes, nipples on fire, holding this beautiful, perfect bundle. And I told the doctor all of my fears. I was worried about my milk supply. My older autistic son adapting to his new brother. Signs of autism in my newborn. Not being a good enough mother to three very unique kids with very unique needs. Failing.…
Read MoreWe Just Want to Help Our Son
I don’t understand anxiety but I’m trying. Most nights, after my son has fallen asleep, and I’ve tucked him in for the last time, I study his features and listen to his breathing. It is calm. Finally. When he sleeps, his worry is gone. It releases him for a few hours. I am thankful he can rest. Most nights I feel like a failure because I can’t take this burden from him. I can’t seem to fix it. Anxiety is slippery. It is sneaky and seemingly impossible to catch. But…
Read MoreWhy Can’t You Be Normal?
Why can’t you be more, well, normal? Have fun for a change! Blow bubbles in the summer breeze and chase waves in the ocean and jump into big piles of autumn leaves. Make friends. Go to birthday parties and sleepovers and on camping trips. What if I can’t, he asked. Try harder, they answered. Try bigger. Try with everything you have. I am trying. I am all the time trying. Be a normal kid. Say hello when someone talks to you. Shake hands. Hug people good-bye. What if hugging makes…
Read MoreDear Anxiety
Dear anxiety, You and me need to have a talk. Because this co-existing crap isn’t working anymore. We need to set up some rules. You have been with my son since birth, although, like his autism, we didn’t know until much later. You are a thief. A thief of joy, of calm, of growth. His and ours. I used to think of you as a monster. A loud, huge, lumbering monster coming right at us. Once I learned more about you, I could see you plain as day. You didn’t…
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