Last night after putting my four kids to bed, I found myself staring at this picture from across my living room. Cooper was 8. Sawyer was 6. And my third was just a few days old. The perfect photo of three brothers. Except, it wasn’t perfect. Not in anyway. Cooper refused to touch the baby. He was very scared of him. The baby had been home 7 days at that point and Cooper had yet to really even acknowledge him. He refused to lie down when the photographer asked. He…
My son Cooper has always reached for a hand to hold when we are in the community. But not just any hand. Typically, mom or dad. He likes to feel safe. He likes to know that we are near. Yes, he is 11 years old and by this point in a boy’s life they typically die of embarrassment when holding a parent’s hand. But not our Cooper. He loves holding hands. He likes the comfort of us walking alongside him. Sometimes we lead. Sometimes he does. But he’s always an…
I woke up this morning to a text message I didn’t send. The words were still in there. Typed. Staring at me when I unlocked my Home Screen. I quickly thought about erasing them because then I could pretend I didn’t feel that way last night. But, who would that help. Not me. Not anyone. And certainly not another mother who feels the same way. I feel like I’m in a trapped place sometimes. And as a fixer, a doer, a plan maker, it’s really foreign to me. I know…
A memory showed up in my newsfeed today. A really special one that I never want to forget. It read… Today was a really big day in our little world. Huge really. This morning my son Cooper went to his brother’s school to have his school photo taken by Lifetouch. He has never had a school photo taken before. Because he goes to a therapy center. And that’s one of those little things that stings and feels unfair. Because a school photo matters. To me it does. There’s more too……
Someone once told me that my husband and I had a third and fourth children as replacements for our oldest son. See the little one on the right there with the mischievous smile? And the little meatball on Sawyer’s lap? Those two. I assume they wrote that comment to hurt me. Or to remind me what a crappy mom I am. Or maybe they were just angry and miserable. Who knows I guess. What a ridiculous statement though. A replacement child. I’m not sure why we would ever replace Cooper.…
I chatted with a father a while back about his four adult children. One is a doctor. One is a lawyer. One works in finance. A couple of them are married and have given him beautiful grand children. One of them is a world traveler. And the fourth, his youngest, works 4 hours a week at a book store. She has limited speaking and a diagnosis of autism. Like my Cooper. She is adored at her job. She greets people and restocks books. She loves helping. She takes transportation all…
My sweet husband, You and I have never been big Valentine’s people. Or gift givers really. Ever since we had kids we always say we will take a day together and go shopping and buy something for each other but it never happens. There’s never time. And well, this Valentine’s Day feels even less lovey than the others. For starters it feels like we have spent every minute together since last Valentine’s Day. That’s a lot of time together. It’s also -5 degrees outside right now which is making us…
There is a term I like to use. It’s blissfully unaware. It’s a place and feeling rolled into one. Many of us do this at different times in our lives. We live blissfully unaware. For example, I knew nothing of the emotional pain of a miscarriage until I lost my first baby. I knew nothing of the worry that comes with a child that isn’t developing typically until it was my own son. I knew nothing of the cruelness and brutality of cancer until it took my stepmom. I knew…
Watching Cooper watch Wheel of Fortune is one of my favorite past times. I can remember him watching when he was barely 9 months old. He was drawn to the colorful wheel. As he grew, it was the letters. He would clap and cheer and dance and run around the room and give high fives when the contestant guessed the right letter. Now he is 11. And he mimicks every single letter. He may not be able to say them correctly, but he tries. And he mumbles under his breath.…
What if we stopped talking about autism? I think about that sometimes. There will be times, like last night, where I will feel like it’s just too complicated. Maybe, it would be easier to not share. To not advocate. To hide even. ‘There was none of this autism stuff when I was younger!’ That’s a sentence I’ve heard more times than I can count from people. Some well meaning. Genuinely curious about it. And some, well, who think it’s a discipline issue. A bad child. A lazy parent. The thing…
