I caught myself staring at this picture of Cooper today. Look how small he was. It brings tears to my eyes every time I see it. The way he was holding my face. He was 18 months old. That tiny, angelic, little boy had turned my whole world completely upside down and inside out from day one. I was exhausted when this picture was taken. I hadn’t slept through the night in 18 months. I was at an all time low weight. I had huge dark circles under my eyes.…
Back to school hits so differently when your child has a disability. I could pretend it doesn’t. I could trick myself but what’s the point. Who does that help? Honesty helps. Feeling helps. I stood in a store tonight picking out a few new shirts and shorts for my incoming freshman. As I stood there, I watched a gaggle of boys run through the section. They talked about school tomorrow. Who was driving who. I noticed their hair. What they were wearing. And how they talked. They were wearing shirts…
You see a little boy that is naughty and throwing a tantrum. I see a little boy who is trying so hard to cope with all the changes around him that it has sent him into a full-blown meltdown, something that is out of his control, and yet you are judging him and my parenting as you walk past us. You see a little boy who doesn’t listen to his mummy. I see a little boy who cannot get through the day without ear defenders because he cannot cope at…
I’m always amazed by typical development. Even after 14 years of being a mom. Three boys and a girl. Ages 14 down to four. Autism first. Then three neurotypical. The differences are not subtle. They are loud. They are noticeable. They’ve given me the gift of sight. I’m amazed how some kids just instinctually know to sit in a circle and walk in a line. And some don’t. Some talk. Some do not. Some grow almost effortlessly. Some stay frozen. Why, I often wonder. Why do some kids have it…
Kid, I spend a lot of time thinking about the things you cannot tell me. There are little things. Like why you point to certain clouds or put your ear up to the wind and laugh. There are big things too. Like why you hit your head in frustration. Does it hurt? Do you hear something I cannot? I wonder why you like trains so much. I wonder why you carry the DVD cases but don’t watch the movies. I wonder if you are lonely. I wonder if you get…
Here we are at the start of another school year. My daughter is sixteen years old and should be beginning her junior year of high school. Instead, she’s at home with me. For now, I’ll be the one working on her IEP goals. Her school district is a mess, and the special education program is the biggest part of the disaster. Before anyone chimes in to remind me that our state has school choice—yes, I know. I’ve looked into it. But many of the schools that advertise themselves as being…
My second son was in 2nd grade during the heart of Covid. He was a remote learner. His classes were conducted via zoom. It didn’t go well for him. He struggled to sit and pay attention to a screen. At the end of second grade we learned that his reading and math scores were way below grade average. I was devastated. Talk about feeling like a failure as a parent. Administration said…‘don’t worry about it. All of the kids are behind.’ I worried anyway. For third grade we sent him…
‘Mom, how does Cooper dream?’ I have four kids. My two oldest are 14 and 12. Brothers. Sawyer, my 12 year old going on 17, doesn’t ask a lot of questions about autism anymore. He doesn’t need too. He understands his older brother. He’s learned alongside all of us from the beginning. He knows how to listen with more than his ears. He understands grunts and points and that flapping of the hands means happy. He knows covering ears means excitement. And that his older brother needs help sometimes. He…
When I was in college I took a psychology course. I’ll admit I don’t remember much. But one lesson on social norms stands out to me. Our professor asked us to stand backwards in an elevator. He advised us to walk in, push the button, and face the wrong way. He explained that doing things differently than they are ‘supposed’ to be done makes people uncomfortable. I’ll tell you this: One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned as a mom to a child with autism is how to be comfortable…
It’s so loud that the pain is ringing in my ears,But I cannot tell you why I am stuck behind these tears,The light is so bright it’s overwhelming every part of me,The last time we came here they had two benches not three. The smells are different and I don’t know why,I need a minute to lie down now and look at the sky,My zipper feels funny and my socks are on wrong,I’m trying my best to remember that one Moana song. The shoes scuffing on the pavement make my…
