Archive for May 2021
How I See Myself Now
Would you believe I didn’t look at my own wedding photos until years after the big day? My husband and I celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary this week and I saw most of the professional photos for the first time just a few months ago. Yes, you read that right. Thousands of dollars worth of photos depicting some of the most important moments in my life spent years tucked away in a forgotten dropbox, out of sight out of mind. Why? Because if I didn’t look at those pictures, I…
Read MoreTo the Parents Who Blame Themselves
When I was first born I was everything you had waited for, I was the dream you had both been holding onto for so long. I came when you needed me the most, after loss I was the rainbow that came after an awful storm and I shone brighter than ever. From the moment i joined your family I knew that you would love me more than anything else in this whole wide world. I was such a content baby who always smiled at everything, my favorite thing was just…
Read MoreWatching His World Open Up
People ask me all the time about my son’s first signs of autism. For some children, it’s textbook. A quick google search returns a lack of or loss of words, struggles with eye contact, and lack of imaginative play. For other kids, the diagnosis doesn’t come so easy. It’s more complicated. Pages full of questions and checkboxes that parents agonize over. Waiting. Worrying. Wondering. For us, our sweet boy was born autistic. From the second he was placed in my arms I knew. Maybe not what. But I knew something.…
Read MorePerfect Night
Tonight was one of those perfect nights. Beautiful weather. Sunshine. Heat. To get this baby out we went to the park. Our park. The one we’ve been going to since we just had Cooper. And now three boys. And soon one more. We moved slower than snails. Backwards sometimes. Any animal that may have been near retreated at the sound of us coming. Cooper looked for whales and penguins. Sawyer asked me questions about how said baby is coming out. And about hospitals and labor. He’s a little nervous about…
Read MoreI’ll Hold Your Hand
This adorable onesie came home in Cooper’s backpack earlier this week. I can’t even tell you how thankful I am that his teacher made it with him for us. And I have no doubt they will hold hands. Because holding hands is Cooper’s favorite. I watch him reach out to me, his dad, and his brothers often. We take turns leading each other. Just as it should be. Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special…
Read MoreWaiting for Anxiety
My ten year old son has anxiety. Such a simple sentence. One that rolls off my tongue. Like my son has blonde hair or my boy loves trains. The meaning of the sentence is unbelievably complicated though. One with layers of meaning. Some people don’t believe in anxiety. They think it’s a made up thing. Maybe one time I did too. That was before my son. Before autism. Before I met the most amazing, complicated boy who uses movies to communicate. I think of his anxiety as a train sometimes.…
Read MoreMy Heart Isn’t Ready
I am so ready to have my fourth baby. The nursery is ready. The car seat is too. I can’t wait to kiss her and snuggle her. She can come any day now. And yet, I can’t imagine not giving 100% to this one. While my two older boys don’t seem to need mama every second, this one does. They have friends and sports and trains and seems so grown up at times. But this one, he’s my baby. My little buddy. He asks for snuggles and uppies and kisses…
Read MoreDoing Our Best
Tonight, my middle son and husband had their first baseball game of the season. It was a big night for both of them. Jamie coach pitched and Sawyer was the catcher. Double trouble if you ask me! At 39 weeks pregnant I knew if I wanted to see our team play I was going to need some help. My oldest and my youngest keep me on my very swollen toes. Thankfully I was able to call in some help. On the way to the game, Cooper began playing an episode…
Read MoreAm I Brave Enough?
Am I brave enough…? I just left the grocery store. I only had a few things today so opted for the self checkout today. While I scanned my items, I became aware of two young men next to me. I would say they were both in their 20’s. It dawned on me rather quickly that one was helping the other shop for groceries. He was helping him scan each item, slow and meticulously. Talking him through he step. The gentleman being helped was very much enjoying himself. He was laughing…
Read MoreNow That I Understand
I used to think a lot of things about my son’s autism. Back before I really understood. Back when it was just a word on a piece of paper slid across the table to us. Slow like. As if the contents held the secrets to our future. I thought it was something that was given to him. Placed upon his 3 year old shoulders, weighing him down. I thought it was something we could fix. Or change. I thought there was a part of him that was not autistic. One…
Read More