Archive for May 2019
A Second Child Changed So Much
We’ve lived with autism for four years, some days it feels much longer. I’ve always wanted kids, wanted what you see on TV, in magazines and what your parents teach you. A boy and a girl. A perfect family. But what is perfect? Four years ago we had our first child, a gorgeous little boy that melted our hearts with his wonderful smile and infectious laugh. However, from a very young age things never felt right. He slept for an hour at the most at any one time, refused to…
Read MoreBrother, I don’t Understand Autism
I don’t understand you Cooper. And I really don’t understand autism. Do you know that I used to think autism was an actual thing. Like an object. Mom would say you have autism. And you’d get a cookie. Or get to have your Kindle at dinner. And I’d want autism too. Only, I didn’t have it. I was the different one. Mom and dad always say that they don’t have to worry about me. I guess because I don’t have autism. And I guess because I talked. And potty trained…
Read MoreHope Bubbles Up
Four years ago I sat across from a speech therapist, whom I loved very much. She looked at me and said, ‘Kate, you need to prepare yourself for nonverbal forever. You need to acknowledge a world where Cooper doesn’t speak.’ I remember I felt like my world ended. I learned after years of self growth that she said it to me with love. She knew I needed to hear it. We just left a speech evaluation. Probably our twentieth over the years. Only this one was different than all the…
Read MoreBut, We Kept Trying
We are a beach family. My husband and I met at the beach. For years we have visited different beaches and resorts to enjoy the sun, sand and water. That is…until our little Braxton turned two. Although we didn’t get an official diagnosis until he was 3, I knew from the time he was born that he was different. This diagnosis, autism, robbed our family of the one thing we all loved to do together. The sand felt like glass. The sound of the waves might as well have been…
Read MoreMy Son, I am So Sorry
My sweet boy, how I love you so. We have had such a long week and I’m sorry. I am so tired of doctors, and needles, and hospitals, and machines, and all of it. I’m tired of having to be the one who makes you suffer through this stuff. But the doctors tell me there is more to look for, so in the hopes of doing the best I absolutely can for you, I keep looking. I keep fighting, and I keep pushing. And I know you are even more…
Read MoreAutism Touches Every Part of Everything
I am not sure when the moment hit because I was so deep into autism, I did not even realize the epiphany I had. When Jayden was diagnosed just before age three I had so much hope, and do not get me wrong I am still filled with tons of hope for Jayden’s future. I just had some unrealistic expectations of life like ‘The Good Doctor type of autism’ instead of the autism that has a potty timer going off every thirty to forty-five minutes, depending on the day. Somewhere…
Read MoreHow do I Explain Autism…
I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. How would I explain my autism world to someone with no experience with autism? I have two sons, ages 3 and 5. They both have moderate autism with severe communication delays. From a distance, or through filtered Instagram pictures, my sons look perfectly normal. Their disability appears discrete and insignificant to the untrained eye. How debilitating could it be? It’s absolutely devastating and almost invisible at the same time. My sons are verbal and I thank God for that. A verbal…
Read MoreHere I am Again
Quietly I sit listening to the silence of our home. I hear the peaceful sounds of my family’s dreams. Yet here I sit. Wide eyed with an exhausted body and mind. How could I shut my eyes when all I see are my fears of his unknown future? Worrying. Praying. Researching. Learning. This is my time. My time the thoughts I push away in the daylight creep in. I hate how they settle in for the night and determine their own curfew—when to call it good and let my mind…
Read MoreI’m not Always Grateful
I sat there bouncing my baby on my knee. I was surrounded by people. I watched the group of children singing Jesus Loves Me. So casually. Standing in a line. The youngest was 4. The oldest was 8. A boy. Cooper’s age. I watched him specifically. He was wearing a tie. He was standing so still. Holding the microphone. Then he sang his name. Four words. ‘My name is Ben.’ He sounded like an angel. I realized in that moment I wasn’t breathing. I had stopped bouncing my baby. I…
Read MoreThe Little Boy in the Mirror
Young boy looks in the mirror and wonders, who am I to you? I know I’m some kind of different and not less Yet I’m more than just a condition Just have to accept me with love and understanding Because I’m that amazing, unique, and special all wrapped in one I see that little boy in the mirror now and I say You’re perfect just who you are Love doesn’t need no words You are worth everything and more Still I accept just who you are Because just like the…
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