Posts Tagged ‘Special Needs Parenting’
Becoming the Mom I Silently Judged
There’s a story I’ve been wanting to tell for awhile, but it’s hidden in shame. The shame is a silent one, as most are. We often hide our dark thoughts because shining a light on them would mean shining a light on all the things we silently do or say or think that reminds us that as humans we are flawed. That’s the thing about shame, in our minds it outweighs our goodness. Even when the scales tip in favor of our goodness, the bricks of judgement and self righteousness…
Read MoreThe Side I Don’t Share
This is a mom on the verge. A mom completely out of patience, and it’s nowhere near noon, on Halloween, in a pandemic…so the magic is up to me – a mom who does NOT have the energy needed to make today memorable. I’ll somehow muster little sparks, because I always do, because I have to, because if I don’t, the darkness will swallow me whole. I’m not allowed to say how freaking hard it is to be a mother to an autistic 4 year old. Because it’s up to…
Read MoreThe Aftermath of an Autism Dignosis
“Mommy, wake up. I love you,” I hear Rhys’s raspy little voice say into the darkness as he holds my face in his hands. It’s before 6am and that champagne from last night is now wreaking havoc on my head. But I open my eyes and pop up to greet Rhys, fueled by this new milestone we’ve reached: saying “I love you.” Both proactively and in the appropriate context. Sure, as parents we all get melty when our children say “I love you.” But when Rhys says it, it’s magic.…
Read MoreDiagnosis Day
I know you are hurting. I know you are worried. I know your whole body is trembling, and clammy with sweat. I know, because I once heard the very words you heard today. Yes, it is Autism Spectrum Disorder. I heard them fifteen years ago, when I was a New Autism Mama. Now, I am an Old Autism Mama. Take a deep breath. Just breathe. It is a diagnosis, that’s all. Yes, it is life-changing. Yes, it is official, and important. It is also momentum, and possibility, and a chance…
Read MoreThe Shore
Being a special needs parent sometimes feels like being dropped in the middle of a turbulent ocean while a storm rages on. My family and I have been thrown in and are desperately trying to make it to shore. The shore is the promised land. It’s what we’ve always dreamed of. We should have never fallen into the ocean, we weren’t prepared for this. I don’t even know how to swim. Surely this must be some sort of mistake. But I keep telling myself that once we get to the…
Read MoreWishing On Stars
I’m trying not to obsess over signs that my daughter, Evie, is on the way to finding her own words. Not scripting, echoing or repeating; I mean her own feelings, her own thoughts, expressed in her own words. She’ll be five in November, and despite being a chatter box of sorts, she’s considered nonverbal. She isn’t able to communicate verbally outside of our home, with people who don’t know her like we do. Evie told me she loved me the month before last. Can you imagine my shock? Part of…
Read MoreI Blamed Myself For My Son’s Autism
When I found out I was going to be a father, I was beyond excited. My wife and I had been trying to conceive for years before she got pregnant. So when she told me I was going to be a father, I wanted to shout it from the rooftops! I made sure to call my wife everyday at work to make sure she ate lunch… I’m sure I annoyed the heck out of her. When we found out that we were having a boy, we started to plan everything.…
Read MoreA Gift I Will Never Take For Granted
I will never get over the gift of communication. Something so many take for granted. My newly two year old just told me he had an owie on his foot. He sat down. Took his sock off. And pointed to his injury. To so many outside the world of autism, this may sound so simple. His older brother is 9, nearly 10, and we work nonstop on communication of pain. For years, my sweet boy had ear infections that we didn’t know about. We didn’t know if his shoe was…
Read MoreA Letter Meant to Quiet an Already Silenced Child
The weather outside is glorious. So you capitalize on it and pop out to get some fresh air with your child. Outdoors is their happy place. The place where they can be free to run, and play, and holler, and giggle. The place where volume isn’t a factor, and you’ve not a care in the world. You can just “be”. For many individuals with Autism, just like our five year-old son Beckett, outdoors is a safe space. And one of the only true places that we get to witness the…
Read MoreVery Nice Boy
Yesterday my son rode the bus for the first time to school. I was nervous. I thought about getting in my car and following but didn’t because I knew it would be great. When the bus pulled in the driveway after his school day I was waiting as the big doors opened. My first question…’how did he do?’ As a mom of a kid who has struggled in the past, and still does at times, I was ready. I’ve built up this armor you could say. Waiting for the negative.…
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