Autism
The Things We’re Not Supposed to Say
The things we’re not supposed to say. I brought my son Sawyer to skate night tonight. A school event at a local roller skating rink. There was pizza and music and arcade games. Kindergarten through fifth grade. Families. Siblings. So many kids. I laced up his roller blades and watched him be a little boy. Skating way too fast. Being silly. Telling stories. Playfully pushing friends. Dancing. Doing the limbo. He has a social life. Friends. He’s growing up. As I sat there watching, holding my baby tight, I was…
Read MoreWhen You Think About Grandpas
When you think about a grandson’s relationship with his grandpa…. I imagine baseballs being thrown. I imagine basketballs being shot. I imagine a little shadow following grandpa around asking nonstop questions. I picture trips to the Dairy Queen for an ice cream cone. I think of hand holding. Snuggling on the couch watching cartoons. Or country westerns. Or the auto channel. In my head I hear stories….‘Back when I was your age.’ I imagine special trips and holidays. I’ll tell you the truth. We got something different. Not less. No…
Read MoreThe Worry is Nonstop
We were sitting with the realtor about to discuss what we were looking for in a new home. I know she wanted to know about bedrooms and bathrooms and location. I didn’t care about that stuff. Not really. In the grand scheme of things that stuff wasn’t a priority. “We can’t be near a busy road. The house has to have a fence or the ability to add one BEFORE we move in. And most importantly, we cannot, under any circumstances, be near water. Non negotiable. I worry about windows…
Read MoreStart the Tough Conversations
What is the most difficult, yet important conversation you’ve had around your child’s needs? Maybe it was around medications. Or the decision to have more children. For Jamie and I, it was around forever. It took us years to be able to sit down and rationally speak about it. In the beginning, I’d bring it up. We’d fight. Months later, he’d bring it up after a few drinks, and I’d cry. We could never get on the same page at the same time. I think it had to do with…
Read MoreI Wish I Had a Crystal Ball
When my son was diagnosed with autism over five years ago, I thought it was a race against time. I thought if we did everything all at once, all the therapies and services, we would help him, and he would eventually get back on track. I knew he’d always have autism. I was never one that thought it would go away. But I did think we would help him, bit by bit, and eventually he’d be where he needed to be. Which at the time I thought was alongside his…
Read MoreDare to Believe Mom and Dad
When my son was five years old, we had no good days. We had bad days and okay days. I am scared to admit that because I know someone reading this will judge me. They will say I am a bad mom. Or say I am weak for admitting that. But, if our story helps one person, gives one mom or dad hope, than it’s worth it. When my son was five, he was unable to communicate. He couldn’t tell us if he was in pain, or if his socks…
Read MoreA Magical World
I often say we live in a magical world. My son and I. A world where we communicate with our hearts instead of our mouths. A world full of color and trains. Sometimes it’s upside down, backwards, even inside out in our world. Some days we move forward. Some days we stand still. We celebrate the craziest, oddest things. Things that everyone else takes for granted. Some days I swear we are the lucky ones. Some days I pray for it to get easier. I pray for simple. I pray…
Read MoreThings I Didn’t Know About Motherhood Until I Became One
I didn’t realize how mad I could get at my spouse over something so silly. I didn’t realize how close to the mental brink a child could push me. And the things I would argue over… I didn’t realize how precious 5 minutes of alone time in the bathroom could be. I didn’t realize how much pee, poop and puke I would clean up. I didn’t know that I would resent the time it takes to shower, eat, pee and poop because they take up too much time. I didn’t…
Read MoreEnter Your Child’s World
One of the things I hear the most often from parents of newly diagnosed children is…I can’t figure out how to get my child to play with me. Or, I can’t find an activity for us to do together. This is coming from moms and dads who are trying so hard. They are desperate to get inside. But they don’t know how. Not yet anyways. Boy does that resonate with me. I was that mom years ago. My son wouldn’t play with me. In fact, he didn’t play at all.…
Read MoreFriend, Please Allow Me to Feel and Worry
Friend, parent, partner, even a stranger on Facebook… I have a request for you. It’s going to sound really simple to you. Maybe even silly. But here goes. Please allow me to feel everything when it comes to my child’s diagnosis. Let me feel all the feelings and worry about all the worries, no matter how irrational or ridiculous they sound to you. Please, pretty please, don’t try to silence me. Or rush me along in the process. Please don’t make me feel guilty for feeling or acting a certain…
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