Posts by Kate Swenson
My Son, I am So Sorry
My sweet boy, how I love you so. We have had such a long week and I’m sorry. I am so tired of doctors, and needles, and hospitals, and machines, and all of it. I’m tired of having to be the one who makes you suffer through this stuff. But the doctors tell me there is more to look for, so in the hopes of doing the best I absolutely can for you, I keep looking. I keep fighting, and I keep pushing. And I know you are even more…
Read MoreAutism Touches Every Part of Everything
I am not sure when the moment hit because I was so deep into autism, I did not even realize the epiphany I had. When Jayden was diagnosed just before age three I had so much hope, and do not get me wrong I am still filled with tons of hope for Jayden’s future. I just had some unrealistic expectations of life like ‘The Good Doctor type of autism’ instead of the autism that has a potty timer going off every thirty to forty-five minutes, depending on the day. Somewhere…
Read MoreHow do I Explain Autism…
I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. How would I explain my autism world to someone with no experience with autism? I have two sons, ages 3 and 5. They both have moderate autism with severe communication delays. From a distance, or through filtered Instagram pictures, my sons look perfectly normal. Their disability appears discrete and insignificant to the untrained eye. How debilitating could it be? It’s absolutely devastating and almost invisible at the same time. My sons are verbal and I thank God for that. A verbal…
Read MoreHere I am Again
Quietly I sit listening to the silence of our home. I hear the peaceful sounds of my family’s dreams. Yet here I sit. Wide eyed with an exhausted body and mind. How could I shut my eyes when all I see are my fears of his unknown future? Worrying. Praying. Researching. Learning. This is my time. My time the thoughts I push away in the daylight creep in. I hate how they settle in for the night and determine their own curfew—when to call it good and let my mind…
Read MoreI’m not Always Grateful
I sat there bouncing my baby on my knee. I was surrounded by people. I watched the group of children singing Jesus Loves Me. So casually. Standing in a line. The youngest was 4. The oldest was 8. A boy. Cooper’s age. I watched him specifically. He was wearing a tie. He was standing so still. Holding the microphone. Then he sang his name. Four words. ‘My name is Ben.’ He sounded like an angel. I realized in that moment I wasn’t breathing. I had stopped bouncing my baby. I…
Read MoreThe Little Boy in the Mirror
Young boy looks in the mirror and wonders, who am I to you? I know I’m some kind of different and not less Yet I’m more than just a condition Just have to accept me with love and understanding Because I’m that amazing, unique, and special all wrapped in one I see that little boy in the mirror now and I say You’re perfect just who you are Love doesn’t need no words You are worth everything and more Still I accept just who you are Because just like the…
Read MoreThe Best Big Brother
My son Xander has always been an amazing kid, above average in every way, but he goes above and beyond as a big brother. He wanted a little sister more than anything. He actually asked Santa! When we told him we were pregnant he was over the moon. He wanted a book that took him week by week thru the pregnancy and he read it more than once. He helped choose her name, he picked clothes and helped us set up her nursery. My favorite memory is at night he…
Read MoreThe Secrets We Keep
I backed out of the garage. Music blaring. Sunglasses on. To my neighbors it probably appeared like I was just running an errand. To the grocery store most likely. My neighborhood was alive as usual. So many people in their yards and driveways. I saw kids playing tag. Some were riding bikes. A few waved and shouted, ‘hello.’ I saw people gathered at the park. Babies in strollers. Dogs chasing balls. I live here, in this neighborhood. Suburbia. Every family much like ours. Two or more kids. Parents busy with…
Read MoreHow Does this End?
When my son was diagnosed with autism over five years ago, I thought it was a race against time. I thought if we did everything all at once, all the therapies and services, we would help him, and he would eventually get back on track. I knew he’d always have autism. I was never one that thought it would go away. But I did think we would help him, bit by bit, and eventually he’d be where he needed to be. Which at the time I thought was alongside his…
Read MoreThe 4 Things that Helped our Son the Most
Many of you have been following our story for years. Some even since Cooper was three when I started this blog. You’ve seen the ups and downs. The highs and the lows. You watched me struggle. And Cooper too. Severe autism is a roller coaster. There is no doubt about that. Today, he is 8 and doing so great. He is potty trained, sleeping, walking in the community, acknowledging people and his brothers, and starting to communicate. Yes, his diagnosis is still severe, nonverbal autism with a side of Apraxia…
Read More