Archive for December 2019
I’ll Try Harder to be Better
I haven’t been the best wife, daughter, friend, mom to you and…I’m sorry. You see, today my son’s therapist mentioned she noticed him biting his hand. ‘Self injuring’ was the exact term she used, and he did it five times within their three hour session. She told me to ‘keep an eye on it’ and to notify her if ‘the behaviors worsened’. That’s been on my mind all afternoon. Retracing every step leading up to every ‘behavior’. Wondering what could have set him off… Wondering what we could do differently tomorrow…
Read MoreHe’s Safe Mama
I was rushing to get out of the house. Helping Cooper with his shoes and wrestling the baby into his jacket. Filling up a bottle and grabbing snacks and drinks. Making sure the diaper bag was stocked and that I looked halfway presentable. You know, doing all of the things. Cooper was nonverbally letting me know that he was going to bring all hundred of his treasures. Sawyer was asking me for a bag because he wanted to bring his rollerblades to a place that didn’t allow rollerblades. The baby…
Read MoreI Don’t Know How You Do It…
Last night I shared a video on Instagram of my autistic son ripping paper and books. It’s a new behavior. It’s really loud. And messy. I shared it for a glimpse into the beauty and reality of our world. I could tell you why he does it. He wants to have all the pieces of the magazines and books in his hands. He’s a sensory seeker. He likes to see and touch. To spread the pages out. To line them up. It makes sense to him. It makes him happy.…
Read MoreWhen you Take the Lens Off
I am not new to the autism world, in fact, I’d like to think of myself as almost a professional autism mom. Many times, I am called in by a lot of my social media friends to be the one they connect to, when another mom has a child that is showing developmental delays, or behaviors that just don’t seem very typical for the age. My son is almost twelve, and we’ve been through so much since the day that 6-pound 13-ounce baby was placed into my arms. When he…
Read MoreStop Asking Women When They Are Having Another Baby
I have two amazing sons. My heart feels complete. No, I don’t want to try for a girl. No, I won’t change my mind in a few years. Some questions sit a little differently after you have a child on the spectrum. This one, really raises my blood pressure. I have always wanted 2 children, I thought I would have 1 boy and 1 girl and life would be complete. I had 2 boys, almost SIX years apart. My 2nd has Autism. I knew from the time he was a…
Read MoreWhat Are You Thinking Allowing Him To Wear A Dress
We sat on the couch in his living room. I hadn’t seen him in ages, so I was trying to catch him up on our life. I showed him photo after photo of our family. Sawyer hitting a baseball off a tee in the backyard. Cooper splashing in a pool. Sawyer holding his fishing pole. Jamie and I drinking beers at a baseball game. Sawyer and his cousin playing dress up. He was smiling and laughing but stopped suddenly. It’s been a while, years and years since this happened,…
Read MoreThe Power of Perspective
A recent conversation left me thinking about the power of perspective. While at a child’s birthday party with my daughter, a dear friend asked me how Jack is doing. Jack is my 12 year old son who has severe autism, developmental delay and cerebral palsy. I got excited to answer her question. “He is good!” I said. Gosh it felt great to finally say it. For the past five years when people asked me about Jack I would stop and think for a moment. Do I give them the real…
Read MoreA Nonverbal Thank You
Cooper has never asked me for a birthday present. He’s never asked me for anything really. If I was to show him something cool or ask him a question about what I think he might want, he most likely will always answer yes. He likes to answer yes. But it isn’t always accurate. Unless I ask him something ridiculous like…do you want broccoli for dinner? Then it’s a definite NO. Over the years we’ve never talked about the presents I’ve given him. Not a word. I’ve never gotten an excited…
Read MoreA Simple Trip to the Grocery Store
Trips to the grocery store. Simple right? Well, this mama didn’t know if we’d ever be able to successfully visit one. Groceries stores are loud. And crowded. And full of so many things. There is waiting. So much waiting. And walking. And colors. And different temperatures. And people talking. And asking questions. In our world we call this a sensory overload. Then add in a boy who is 9 years old. And looks like every other 9 year old boy who can easily walk through the grocery store. But yet…
Read MoreSomeday, You’ll Tell Me
Cooper, this morning was just like every other morning. You woke up happy as usual. Had breakfast, got dressed with Dad’s help, put your shoes (all by yourself!) and your coat on, negotiated 75 treasures to bring to school, and then you were gone. I yelled ‘I LOVE YOU’ ridiculously loud and stole a hug and 3 kisses before you darted out the door. Y ou grunted in response like you usually do. I then asked you to repeat ‘I Love You’ like I do every day. You willingly try.…
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