Archive for March 2019
The Fear of Silence
This morning I listened to a sermon about silence. How in today’s world it is hard to find. And how most people say they want more silence, but when they get it, they fear it. They can’t take it. It’s too quiet. I sat there listening, bouncing my baby on my knee, and thought about how I was probably the only person in the room that knows the silence of an eight year old boy. Of a nonverbal boy. And how loud it can truly be. How your brain can…
Read MoreA Letter From Your Therapist
It’s okay to ask for help. It doesn’t make you a bad parent, you’re not doing anything wrong. No one could have ever prepared you for this: there’s no quick-study guide on parenthood, let alone parenthood for ASD. You’re not supposed to have all the answers right out the gate. It’s okay to have baby steps that take months to achieve. It’s okay to feel like things may never change. It’s okay to have hope that everything will change. It’s okay to feel guilty…for a little while. It’s okay to feel…
Read MoreWhat I Know is Different than How I Feel
I know he was born in 2010 on a cold, icy winter day after what felt like days of pushing. His birth was traumatic. At least that’s how it felt to me. I remember them saying he’s not breathing. I watched them gather around the table. So many hands. All rubbing him. I was waiting for the cry. I kept looking at my doctors face to see if he was panicked. He was an old pro. He’d been doing this for years. He seemed fine. Never sweating. Never appearing frazzled.…
Read More400 Days of Autism
I remember everything about that day. The strong cologne of the man in the elevator, my shaky hands as I searched for change for the parking station, the salty taste of my tears and the uncontrollable numbness and heartbreak all the way home and still to this day. I had been on a mission for almost 6 months for my son’s autism diagnosis AND even though I had 6 months to prepare it still stung like a slap to the face. It was real and true, and there was no…
Read MoreConversations that Change Us
It was a few years ago. Five years to be exact. Cooper had just been diagnosed. We now had a reason for the behaviors. A reason why he had no words. Why he couldn’t sit still. Why he screamed. Why he refused to sleep and eat. Why Jamie and I were so exhausted. And worried. And scared. We knew why. I had recently told you. Over the phone of course. It was one of our weekly conversations. We talked about the weather first. Then football. My job. And then Jamie.…
Read MoreThe Fear of the Unknown
I’ve been scouring the internet like a crazy person for the past 3 months. I’ve downloaded all of the packets from autism websites. I’ve obsessed over all of the milestones that we aren’t hitting. All of the red flags. I’ve called specialists and early intervention and therapists. I’ve read and watched and listed to articles, videos, and podcasts about research and diets and advice for parents of newly diagnosed. I’ve read all the blogs and sought out wisdom from mothers who have been on this journey for a while. All…
Read MoreAutism and Wandering
It’s just after 11pm. My nonverbal autistic son is usually (and by usually I mean always) in bed (and by bed I mean on the floor behind the door of his room) by 8:45pm. Not tonight. Dawson has been impressing me with all of his newly founded abilities, which he performs independently. Putting his dishes in the sink. Putting his shoes away. Pulling his pants up when he is done with the restroom. Climbing on top of things to access what he feels he needs…you wouldn’t believe the type of…
Read MoreWatching the Anxiety Release its Hold on Him
I never knew a child could have anxiety. I fully admit that. If you would’ve told me five years ago that anxiety could completely control a child’s life, and the child’s family’s lives, I would have probably laughed at you. I would have said something like, ‘what does a child have to be anxious about?’ I was ignorant. I didn’t know. I was naïve. I was clueless. Well, the universe had a way of showing me. My son’s anxiety is brutal. It controls every aspect of his life. It controls…
Read MoreShe Doesn’t Look Autistic
“She doesn’t look autistic.” “Are you sure?” “Autism is just the new ADHD.” “Oh, I would have never known.” “But she’s so pretty!” These are all responses I have heard when I first tell someone about my daughter’s autism diagnosis. I am always walking a fine line when it comes to telling people. It’s not because I’m embarrassed or don’t want to talk about it. I am a proud mom and autism is not a bad word in our home (disability in general is not). No, I usually don’t want…
Read MoreCar Safety and Autism
Sharing our families huge wins is one of my favorite things to do on this page. Because I know how hard we worked for them. And how so many other families are working towards them too. Before we had the baby, Jamie and I agonized about Cooper’s lack of car safety. He would throw, kick, flail, even rock in his car seat so ferociously that the whole car would rock. We did everything we could to work on his tolerance. We did social stories. We rewarded. We split the boys…
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