Never Ever Give Up Hope

Our family’s number one goal is to get in the community together. It’s never really happened. Well, not successfully. But we refuse to give up. Tonight, our middle son had flag football practice. I wanted to go. My husband wanted to go. We wanted to get the other two boys out of the house. So, we did it. Cooper’s motivator and encouragement…two (not one!) vintage train magazines from eBay. His most favorite thing in the world. We stayed an hour. I have never, in nine years, been more proud of…

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Hope, Shifting

Hope: to cherish a desire with anticipation, to want something to happen or be true. –Merriam-Webster Dictionary In the beginning, I hoped he would outgrow it.  I hoped he would sleep through night at least once, and manage cereal from a spoon, and for the love of all things holy and good, stop shrieking.  I hoped he’d learn to read, and understand fractions, and figure out how to eat his food without rolling it around in his fingers.  I especially hoped he’d stop the rolling thing when we had spaghetti and…

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The Pause

For the last three and a half years I’ve told you I loved you every night before bed. As a baby I would hold you close in your snuggly swaddle. You eyes would get heavy and your small body would melt into mine. It would feel like an eternity since you hated to sleep. Fear of missing out people would joke. As your beautiful baby blues would eventually close you face would be so peaceful. I would ever so carefully place you in your crib with promises to see you…

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I Hope You Know

My sweet girl, You have no idea how much I love you. But the truth is, I don’t yet know how much you love me either. We are a mommy and daughter communicating in different languages and I am still desperately trying to learn yours. You don’t hug or kiss me yet, but that’s okay. I just want to know…. Do you feel loved when I hug and kiss you? When I smile and tickle you? When I sit and try to play with you? When I sing for you…

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Find Hope and Hold Onto it With All You Have

I wasn’t one of those mothers who saw it coming. I was blindsided when I heard the word autism. It hit my like a freight train and shattered my soul into a billion pieces instantly. That horrible feeling of not being able to breath, unwavering fear, fear of the unknowing, and worst of all, hopelessness, took over every inch of me. I thought at that moment I would never feel as horrible as I did then. As many of you know that would not be the case. That feeling would…

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It’s Not All Sunshine and Rainbows

Times are hard right now. For everyone. And if you’re a parent of a child with a disability, being off school isn’t as “cute” and “pretty” as it may seem across social media.  I’m not saying every minute of every day is hard, but it’s not all fun crafts and cookie baking either.  As I sit and reflect after a very difficult day, I want to express my feelings and the reality so many families are facing right now.  You see, cancelling school doesn’t just mean no school for a few…

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The Secret to Parenting is to Love Them Through

I have a secret for you. Most of the time I don’t know what I’m doing in the world of parenting. Nor have I ever claimed too. I mean I obviously know to brush my kid’s teeth and feed them fruit once in a while. I know to put sunscreen on them, hug and kiss them a dozen times a day, and not giggle when they say swears, but beyond that, I am mostly just winging it. Especially when it comes to my first born. I joke that my autism…

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There is Always Next Year

There is always next year… At age two we went to a restaurant for the last time. We started early intervention and learned how different our son was from his peers. At age three he was diagnosed with autism and we were told all the things he would never do. At age four we locked our house down. Three locks on every single door. Window alarms. Fences. We realized we couldn’t go places outside of our home. We started having aggressions and self injuring behavior. At age five it got…

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Hope is a Funny Thing

Hope is a funny thing. It ebbs and flows. It even changes over the years. When I found out I was pregnant for the second time I hoped I wouldn’t miscarry. I hoped for a happy, healthy, ‘like every other kid I knew’, baby. I secretly hoped for a girl too. When I found out I was having a boy at 20 weeks, and that we would name him Cooper, I hoped for baseball games, camping, swimming, biking and fishing. I hoped for endless conversations and a beautiful family. I…

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Hope, Grief, and Grace

My son Jack was diagnosed with autism when he was eighteen months old. It was a cold, gray afternoon in November. He was wearing a blue jacket. He’s fifteen now. A lot has happened since that day in November. I had three more kids and Jack learned to talk and then he learned how to pick the locks and run out the front door. I chased him like my life depended on it, because it did. Finally, we taught him how to hold our hand in the parking lot and…

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