Tough parenting
My Greatest Pity Party
Is Cooper my greatest pity party? Such an interesting question. It was said to me the other day. In anger of course, but there was something behind it. It had some legs on it. And it truly got me thinking. Is Cooper my greatest pity party? Hhhmmm. I am very open that I am heartbroken over Cooper’s autism. It’s gotten better after almost 5 years but, nevertheless, the heartbreak is still there. I am also a tad bit bitter over how my life is different. Which is the part that a…
Read MoreIt's Ok To Care. Don't Forget That.
I’ve been thinking a lot about Cooper attending kindergarten next year. Right now he goes to an autism preschool at the actual elementary school. He rides the bus. Which is great. His class has 4 other kiddos in it. And every day they join the typical 4K kiddos. It is a completely controlled setting. It’s 3 hours long and Cooper has a teacher and an aide and a speech therapist and an occupational therapist. He lives in a bubble. When I went to the open house this year I watched…
Read MoreThe First Time
There are a lot of first times in our children’s lives. There are good first times and bad first times. This is life. And then there is the first time another person is mean to your son because he is autistic. It finally happened. I’ve been waiting actually. I knew it was coming. Cooper is so loud. He runs. If he gets super stressed he will push people. It’s partly sensory seeking. Partly out of not knowing what to do. He has very, very little self awareness. And zero understanding…
Read MoreWhen Do We Give Up?
I gave up yesterday. The details really don’t matter I guess. All that matters is I was pushed to that place where I didn’t recognize myself. I’m fighting with Cooper’s school and for the first time I saw that they are looking at him as a number and not a child. All the horror stories I’ve read about schools and special needs kids happened. I spent hours talking to people that have never met Cooper….nor do they really care about his best interest. Cooper is a special child with special…
Read MoreWhat I am Missing….
I spend a lot of time thinking about all the things I’ve missed with Cooper. I know…he doesn’t know…he’s happy…he’s not missing out…blah, blah, blah. Those three things top my list of ‘What not to say to an Autism mom.’ But I know. I see it everyday in Sawyer. I know what I am missing. It’s a whole life. It’s language and emotion and socialization and laughter and interaction. I am missing it all. It comes in waves. Sawyer and I were looking through his baby book last night. We…
Read MoreI Thought By Now…
I thought by now I would have mastered autism. I truly did. And that I would be the one giving advice to other mamas. I thought by now that my nonverbal boy would be talking away. And potty trained. I thought by this time we would be so much farther along. We are not. In some ways we are in the same spot. Standing still. I just spent 5 minutes scrolling through Pinterest. I entered one word into the search box…Autism. I wasn’t sure what I was looking for. Maybe hope.…
Read MoreWord Vomitting and Hating Yourself After
I said something really horrible about autism. And it wasn’t in the privacy of my own home after few glasses of wine like a good mother would do. It was a full blown word vomit in front of Cooper’s doctor. Sometimes I feel like I am the only mom in the world that has these thoughts. Or at least the only mom that shares them with the world. We brought Cooper to the doctor for his pre-op physical a few days ago. Per the usual Cooper tore that room apart. He gets in these…
Read MoreMostly, Autism Is Just Lonely….
You can ask any autism parent about what it’s like to raise a little person with a big diagnosis. You will get many answers about what it’s like. And that’s because there are no two autistic people that are the same. And on top of that, I think parents acknowledge and accept it in different ways. For me autism is frustrating. And exhausting. And heartbreaking. And dreadfully hopeful. And painful. And above all a process. A slow process that crawls along with glimpses of the future. Autism is expensive. And SO…
Read MoreI Saw the Autism in My Son
Most days I don’t think about Autism. Not the word or the disorder or anything to do with it. Cooper is just Cooper and he is who he is. And that’s that. Dare I say I was getting cocky. I may even say I let my guard down. Since we did the move and put Coops in intensive therapy there are parts of him that seem almost healed. Or normal. Or whatever PC word I’m allowed to say. Zero meltdowns, good transitions, improved skills, etc. Still no words but great…
Read MoreA Little Good News…
I got a letter in the mail yesterday telling me that Coopers insurance benefits are reinstated. I breathed a sigh of relief that could have been heard cross country. And I instantly felt like a weight had been lifted. And then promptly drank a bottle of wine and watched The Girlfriends Guide to Divorce…my favorite show. And zoned the F out. I literally shut down for the whole night. I thought autism was heavy but it nowhere nears the stress of not being able to pay for the help he…
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