Guest Post
I’m Sorry It Took So Long to Learn to be Your Mama
As I write this post you are sound asleep. You are curled up in the fetal position and breathing softly. Although you are now 10 years old, as I gaze down at you, you are still my baby. It seems like yesterday that I first held you in my arms. Tonight, before you fell asleep, you pulled me close for an ‘eye hug’. You nuzzled your right arm under my left shoulder and then pulled my face right in front of yours with your left hand. When our faces met,…
Read MoreI’m Thankful for you: My Sister, My Rock
Deakyn is our almost four year old son who was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder and is nonverbal. He was diagnosed earlier this year but we knew before that. He showed what we now know now were early signs when he was younger. Not knowing a lot about autism, just that it was something other people’s children had and that it wouldn’t happen to my family, we didn’t consider it We came into the autism world blind but ready to learn. He was a happy baby and a good sleeper…
Read MoreThe Second Day of Kindergarten
When motherhood arrived, one of the many moments I looked forward to with warm cozy anticipation was the first day of kindergarten experience. I enjoyed collecting the kindergarten wardrobe and elementary school kid supplies. I remember laying my oldest daughter’s new school clothes across her bed while we carefully chose the first day outfit perfection. Then the day arrived and I was full of “I love you!” and “Mommy and Daddy are so proud of you” and then, the ever so common bittersweet “How did you grow up so fast?”…
Read MoreThank You to the Man who Chose Himself
Thank you to the man who chose himself over his child: Being a single mom is really hard. Being a single mom to a special needs child is next level. I never realized the strength I had inside of me. You helped me release these very primal instincts when it comes to our son, that I had no idea existed. I share such a rare and special bond with him because he is all I had for so long. It was just he and I everyday. There isn’t a person…
Read MoreThe Child Before the Diagnosis
We were standing on our patio and a plane flew close above us. It was loud and very easy to spot. “Look guys, a plane!” My 20 month old son followed my finger and he pointed too and smiled, “Ah, plann,” he said. I smiled with him. It looked nice against the crisp sky with everything around us covered in snow. I looked over at my daughter who had her back to us and was smiling too. She was still looking opposite us into the sky searching for a plane.…
Read MoreI Wished this Version of Autism didn’t Exist
Unanswered questions and the fear of the unknown, Kept me awake at night and I felt so alone. People saying, “He’ll grow out it”, or Autism is a gift, Had no idea what they were saying, I wished this version of Autism didn’t exist. Robbing a child of their voice and basic life skills isn’t being blessed, It’s heartbreaking to watch, and leaves you all feeling distressed. Advocates and other Autism Mum’s may isolate you for being negative, They claim that to the ‘Autism world’ you’re being insensitive. Maybe it’s…
Read MoreOur New Normal
As I sit here tonight, it hit me hard. How many things in life I thought we’d be doing so effortlessly at this phase of Jackson’s development. Without worry. Or planning. Or hesitation. Tonight, we didn’t go to “movie night” at my son’s school because movies make him anxious. Like freak out, meltdown anxious. Just because they’re long. And that’s if we’re at home. No way could he tolerate a loud movie with dozens of people around. They served popcorn and drinks. None of which he’d eat. Or drink. It’s…
Read MoreAn Autism Mom out in the Wild
I’m off on my first trip without my son. I ordered everything from Amazon as I can’t shop in stores with him. I ordered all the groceries for the weekend so they won’t have to go out. I feel like I’m prepared to do this first trip solo. It’s been 4.5 years….I can do this. Right? Well, I got everything ready and here I sit on the bathroom floor after my son is in bed trying to make my feet not look like something from Jurassic Park. It hit. The reality…
Read MoreBeauty in the Breakdown
As Moms, all of our children have had a public “temper tantrum”. It’s awful. You can see it coming most times and try to brace yourself for impact. Tantrums stink point blank. You’re sweating, your kid is flailing, people are staring and you just want to RUN. A meltdown is a bit different. A meltdown occurs when a body has endured too much stress. It looks like a tantrum but can not be contained like a tantrum. Meltdowns can get ugly, real ugly. Meltdowns not only break down your child…
Read MoreA Letter to my Pregnant Self
Looking back at pictures of myself while I was pregnant does not bring back much sentiment. Instead, they make me sad. I look at the woman in those photos, so full of hope, so desperate to be a mother, oblivious to how drastic her life is going to change, and it just breaks my heart. If I could write a letter to her, I don’t know what I would say. Do I sugarcoat things for her to let her enjoy the time of ignorance, of denying, of saying, “he’ll catch…
Read More