My Deepest Fears Lie in Motherhood

I stood alone on a dark bridge on a warm summer night. I listened to the creek below as it attempted to drown out the sound of my children and their cousin, playing several yards away. We were at an unfamiliar park for a small family gathering. I left my two kids with my husband and some family to walk across the park and get some alone time, a rarity for any mother. As I wandered, I came across the bridge surrounded by tall trees, which blocked out any street…

Read More

It Felt Like I Would Never Get Over My Son’s Autism

“When are you going to get over this?” My husband calmly asked, as I laid in our bed yet again crying.  I can’t remember what event involving our son preceded it; Another evaluation, an elopement, an awkward moment at a family gathering or school, maybe it was another long meltdown. Whichever it was, I was now lying in bed quietly crying and venting to him about all of it. Pure heartbreak and fear.    After his question, I knew he immediately regretted asking it, not only because it sounded so harsh,…

Read More

Ongoing Acceptance of Autism

On a sunny Thursday afternoon I was reminded of the ongoing acceptance of my seven year old son’s autism diagnosis. I took my daughter to the park across from my son’s school thirty minutes before we picked him up, so she could play. It just so happened that my son’s class was out on the playground where I could see him and his classmates. As peeked over every so often I tried to be careful that he didn’t see me. I watched him and his fellow autistic students play. Anyone…

Read More

The First Time I Heard Autism

Hot, sweaty, and out of breath in the middle of winter I sat in a full doctor’s office lobby. Due to construction, the area we were in held patients waiting for the pediatricians as well as those waiting for gynecologists. It was packed. My newly two year-old son would not hold still while we waited. I chased him around the room and brought him back to his chair over and over. The waiting area wasn’t enclosed and there were stairs nearby. Not ideal. Names were being called one by one…

Read More

Finding Cooper’s Voice Brunch: A Place I Belonged

The kind of isolation I feel as the mom to an autistic child is hard to explain. For me it is not always being alone or being ostracized by others. I grew up one of six kids. I can handle alone because it was my sanctuary as a child. This is different. I remember before we even knew it was autism, I began searching. Searching for what was happening. Instead of enjoying play groups or church, I was anxiously watching my son behave differently than the other toddlers. I would…

Read More

Dog Rescue Refuses to Adopt to Families with Autistic Children

On March 22, 2022, Kismutt Rescue of Ontario, Canada, posted a message on their Facebook page. It was addressed to “Mama Bears” and referenced their policy of not adopting to families with autistic children. (*I could not find this policy on their website, so it is not clear whether it is for any autistic individual or just autistic children.) The message related two incidents that resulted in the creation of the policy. One took place around 2008 or 2009 when, according to them, an autistic child’s mother called to say…

Read More

When I Read About Feda Almaliti

Even before my son Johnny was diagnosed my life has been all about autism. Trying to somehow figure it out so I could help my son. At first it was asking questions, then it became looking for help, and now it’s fighting for him. Sometimes I forget that everyone doesn’t know about autism. I forget because we live in a world where everything is catered to us. All my social media knows I talk a lot about autism. My ads are all supplements that are supposed to help my child,…

Read More

“You Need To Calm Down”

Yesterday I decided we needed to get out for one last summer weekend…take a chance with masks, and take a chance with the world. Going out is never simple. Johnny’s mood, my mood, his little sister’s mood, are all factors. For Johnny it’s the hardest, he finds the world difficult. It’s uncomfortable and unpredictable. We went to an outdoor mall that has a farmers market in the summer. As always, there were ups and downs but it was good. We bought veggies and treats. We wandered and spent time together.…

Read More