March 3, 2023
Please Don’t Stare at My Autistic Son
I’ve been quiet today, no social media posts, spending time observing my son, I took a walk in silence this morning instead of with my AirPods in.
Yesterday evening my son Jackson, who was diagnosed at age two with level two autism spectrum disorder, had a really difficult time in the grocery store.
He yelled at us in protest, he hit us and the shopping cart, he had behaviors that you wouldn’t expect from an almost nine year old boy that is nearly five feet tall.
We’ve learned to remain calm, prompt functional communication instead of becoming flustered, to remain patient and work through these moments of escalation.
We’ve learned to behave in a way that others probably don’t expect either……
We don’t scold him, or raise our voices, we don’t discipline, we practice patience and understanding instead.
Years ago I noticed the stares, I could feel other people looking at us, looking at him. I could feel their judgement and disapproval for our public displays.
Through acceptance of our life with a child with autism, I learned to block out the looks of others. I realized all that mattered in that moment was connecting with my son who was having such a hard time, and doing everything I could to get us both safely through it.
I’ve lived in this place for years. Paying no mind to the judgment of others, and only doing what I had to do in these meltdowns for the both of us.
Yesterday was different though.
We were in a small grocery store, it was slightly more crowded than usual. And as my son started to escalate my awareness of others heightened too.
I noticed college aged kids stopping to stare.
I noticed a teenager shopping with her mom following us from aisle to aisle to watch as he struggled.
And my heart broke for him.
I stared at these girls longer than I should have, hoping my state would nudge them to stop looking….. it didn’t.
I wanted to scream “what are you looking at!”
But I didn’t.
I knew that wouldn’t help either.
But I cried on the way home, and then again this morning before I got out of bed, and again while sitting in the pew at church this morning.
Mad that they stared. Mad that they didn’t speak up. Mad that my son having a hard time was something they wouldn’t look away from.
So now that I’ve had time to reflect, to wish it went different, to figure out how we learn from this situation instead of harboring anger…. Here’s what I can say.
Dear stranger,
Many individuals like my son, Jackson, have invisible disabilities like autism. This means, at moments like you’re seeing right now in the grocery store his body is having a really hard time regulating itself. He’s feeling anxious, upset, and overwhelmed because of his surroundings. I’m sure you’ve felt these feeling before too?
We are doing the best we can to teach him the tools to use his words to tell us what he needs in these intense moments instead of hitting us or others.
In these moments he isn’t in control of himself, and he deserves understanding, respect, and patience.
So please know the best thing you can do is to keep shopping, keep walking, and to not give your attention by staring, because it makes an already vulnerable situation more uncomfortable for him.
Please remember he is a person first and your stares make him feel very uncomfortable.
We are all doing the best we can.
