Is He Yours?

“Ma’am, I am just wondering if he is yours?” 

That is all I heard today. 

And everything went blank. 

“Ma’am is he your biological son?” 

“Ma’am I need to know his birthday.” 

“Ma’am can you hear me?” 

I heard you. Yes…and I do not know his birthday today. 

My head is blank, it usually can ramble off dates, names, schedules and everything in between. 

But today it went grey and blank. 

I am the mom that forgot my kid’s birthday just long enough to answer the question and give the lady on the other end enough time to judge me. 

That I should be able to answer no problem without hesitating. 

The thing is I am tired. 

I am drained. 

I am sick, tired, drained and exhausted from answering all the questions over and over again. 

I am run down and consumed with stress. 

My son is…yes…he’s my biological son. 

Jackson definitely is mine. 

My son is hurting, my son is drowning, my son is struggling. 

But you don’t want to hear about that. 

You don’t have time to listen, to help or even support. 

You only have time to ask a standardized list of questions. 

You only have enough time to judge a mom like me who couldn’t answer when his birthday was. 

Truth is I didn’t really forget his birthday, I just froze. 

I froze because you told me that you couldn’t find his file. 

I froze because prior to our call, someone informed me a file of Jackson’s got closed. 

I froze because I have fought so hard to get my son support and no one will touch his case file due to Covid. 

So really.. I just froze and you judged me.

I could hear it in your voice, in disbelief that a special needs parent might not know something, or might just need a second to collect her thoughts, to be able to answer everything that needs to be answered. 

I will be honest, I felt like garbage after I got off the phone. 

I cried. 

I cried until the tears stopped streaming down my face. 

I cried cause that has never happened before…where I couldn’t answer something. 

The words were trapped, lost and hidden in the chaos of this life we are living. 

After you were done judging my obviously not best mom moment, you continued on wondering what am I needing? 

And then I do not think you were ready for what came next.

I think I caught you off guard…cause I exploded. 

I am assuming you were still judging me at this time, still on the call. 

And that is okay. 

We do not need to be friends for my son to get what he needs. 

But I do need one thing from you. 

I need you to take a step back and have compassion for a mom like me. 

Give me some grace. 

I am not falling apart and exploding on the phone because I want sympathy. 

I am falling apart and exploding because if someone in your building does not do their job this year I will be putting my son in the ground. 

You think I am overreacting. 

You think I am laying it on thick. 

You think I am not a good parent. 

You have no idea what we go through in a day. 

Our days are filled with tears. 

Too many holes and damage, every couple of inches in our home. 

Our son is in crisis and any person can clearly see that without knowing his birthday. 

My son is biologically mine and he needs help whenever you’re ready to give it to him. 

Written by, Katie Emde

Hey friends, I am Katie Emde. I live in Saskatchewan with my husband and three beautiful kids. My oldest son Avery was diagnosed with severe non verbal autism. Our daughter Natalie is learning so much while we do homeschooling this year. Our youngest son Jackson is only four years old and loves everything dinosaur. When me and my husband were getting Avery diagnosed and all the supports he needed when he was younger. We had found everything to be extremely overwhelming. I started advocating provincially for hundreds of families all over the province. I am on numerous IEP’s with various schools. I have done numerous fundraisers and supported various non profits over the years. I help families navigate everything autism in Saskatchewan. I found my voice when we struggled and now I use my voice for the many. I share our life on Facebook at A Journey With Avery and on Instagram at katieemde.

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