Archive for July 2020
It’s Just a Bracelet
I purchased my son Rory a medical bracelet. When the lady asked what I wanted to write on it I paused. ‘How many words can I put on it?’ And she said, ‘why, what do you want to put on it?’ I thought for a minute…Should my son ever wonder off,Should he ever get lost in a park,Or if we had an accident… What would I need people to know quickly to keep him safe? I have autism.I cannot talk.I may refuse help.I may lash out because I’m scared.I need…
Read MoreWhen He Outgrew Cute
When he outgrew cute The looks changed from compassion to concernedTowards him And towards those who supported him. And sometimes disgust Overshadowed concern As he stubbornly clung to his ways. When he outgrew cute The calls increased Calls desperate for help Desperate for summer options for a fifteen year old in diapers Desperate for respite Desperate for adaptive equipment Desperate for anything that would assist a non verbal man child Or anyone. And the voices were silent Or they whispered Sorry.Sorry.Sorry. When he outgrew cute His movements were no longer…
Read MoreQuarantine Confession
Every day we wait outside for a package we never ordered. The days of quarantine are long, especially for a child with special needs. The lack of routine is brutal. I use it as a distraction. It is inevitable that the moment Zac and I step out of the family room we will hear the familiar screeching: Help! Stop it! I know at the bottom of the steps Jordan will be lunching for her brother’s neck so she can catch them for a passionate embrace. It would be enough to…
Read MoreOld Autism Mama
If you are reading this, there is a good chance someone you know has autism. Hi. My name is Carrie. I have five kids, and my second son, Jack, has autism. He was diagnosed when he was eighteen months old. I was a young mother with a three-year old, and a one-year old, and a tender new baby on the way. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. The world stood still when the doctor said the words Autism Spectrum Disorder. That’s the only way I can describe…
Read MoreA Moment in the Park
It was a beautiful evening. The puppy needed a walk, Gracie needed out of the house, so we went to the park. It was quiet, only a few kids here and there. Gracie was enjoying the playground and running around. As she went around the side of the slide a little girl about her age said hello. Gracie stopped dead in her tracks. She didn’t say hello back, she didn’t wave, not even a smile. She froze, panic on her face as she tried to think of something to do.…
Read MoreThe Phone Calls We Take
I have been on countless phone calls in my lifetime. There was a time in my youth where I loved getting all the phone calls on my birthday, relatives singing happy birthday to me on the other end of the line. There was a time in my teens where I loved getting calls from my friends. The type of calls that invited stretching the cord as far as could around the corner, kicking my legs up against the wall and gabbing endlessly. The time in my 20’s where I graduated…
Read MoreQuarantine, Autism and Never Giving Up
Oh, quarantine and autism. You have been a doozy. You would think we would have embraced this socially distant period like all the autism memes suggested at the beginning of this lockdown. “We’ve been social distancing since before it was a thing!” No. These past few months at home have allowed regression to creep back in, distressing my boy at a whole new level. I knew it would, right when we said goodbye to his routine back in March. It was inevitable. Unfortunately, that expectation did not make these months…
Read MoreA Boy of No
Once upon a time, there was a boy who always said no. When he was very small and didn’t have his words, he learned to sign it with his fingers. When that didn’t work and his mother or his father kept asking him to try a bite of a banana, he simply clamped his mouth shut, and shook his head. No. Later he learned to talk—first one word at a time, then two. After a long wait, he began to string them together like bright lights on a wire. But…
Read MoreWalk a Mile in Autism
A poem for my 16-year-old brother with autism: Neil Kurshan said, “Walk a mile in my shoes is good advice. Our children will learn to respect others if they are used to imagining themselves in another’s place”.But Mom, people cannot put themselves in my shoes, not unless they live it too.Friends and classmates use the words ‘weird’ and ‘autistic’ as if they’re the same.It hurts my heart and I want to get angry, but I continue to smile anyway.But I’m tired of smiling and I’m tired of changing the subject.So,…
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