The Mystery of Time

Before I became a mother I didn’t understand how complicated time could be.

You know that old saying…the days are long but the years are short?

I’m feeling that right now. The days are so long. Sometimes unbearable. I pray for a second to be a human, without someone climbing on me. But then I wonder how my babies can be 8, 6 and 1 already. How is that possible? I swear I was just in college last year.

Most days feel like a blur. Like a race to see just how much we can cram in. Therapy, doctors appointments, sports, work, grocery shopping, it never ends.

I feel like I’m always clipping toenails, grabbing someone a glass of water and reminding little people to flush the toilet.

Some days I can’t wait for the day to end so I can collapse in the recliner and zone out staring at my phone.

But some days, like when I’m taking a drive with my six year old, and he’s telling me about dinosaurs and hat tricks, I want time to stop all together. I want to soak up every second of him at that very moment. Until later when he yells at me for taking away his Halloween candy, making him do his reading homework, and being the worst mommy ever. Then, time could speed up. Just a little.

I want my baby to stay this age forever. I don’t want to miss one second of his life. I joke about putting a spell on him to keep him little. That is until he wakes up at 1 am. And again at 4. Then a bit older sounds great. Until I think about him starting kindergarten. Which is almost more than I can handle.

I am scared of Cooper getting any bigger, terrified of him turning 18 and becoming a man, scared of shaving, puberty, guardianship, and after. But watching him gain words, do puzzles, try, laugh, and smile is unbelievable too. I look at how far he has come in a year. What will the next bring?

And then there’s me. 36. I’m seeing wrinkles around my eyes, laugh lines around my mouth. I know I’m getting older, I can feel it when I get out of bed in the morning.

I say things about staying up too late and music being too loud. I now know the importance of good shoes, how self care vital, and that time with your spouse is a must.

I don’t want to get any older. And yet I can’t wait for it all to get just a hair easier. Although I know as a special needs moms, I may not get that luxury either.

Time is funny like that.

One second you want it go faster, the next you want it to stop all together. I guess we just have to hold onto every moment when we can while trying to raise exceptional humans.

If anyone knows how to slow down the good parts and speed up the hard…let me know please.

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Finding Cooper's Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you're never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village....all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to my page!

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