Unexpected Spectrum
When my wife Tammy and I met, we had four children between us; two from her first marriage, and two from mine.
After a few years of being married we became like any other couple. We talked about having a child. We had yours and mine, and now we wanted the ours.
Tammy, having her tubes tied after her second child, made it a little more difficult to get what we wanted.
We could choose the surgery route to reverse her previous procedure, which costs a lot of money with very low chances of success.
Or the adoption route, which equally costs lots of money.
We chose, instead, to leave it up to God. So, we prayed. And prayed. And prayed.
More than ten years passed without an addition to our family. We had pretty much resigned ourselves to the fact that six was going to be the limit of our household.
When our (now) second youngest daughter was five months away from graduating high school and heading off to college, we were preparing to become empty nesters.
I was planning how all my free time would be spent; extra time with the wife, maybe some travel, and writing more books for my crime novel series
Meanwhile, Tammy was thinking of starting a career.
After putting things on hold to always be there for the kids, she was ready to do something for herself.
However, as God does everything in His perfect timing, a baby in need popped up and changed everything. In a very big way.
“Have another baby,” they said.
“Why not,” we said.
“It’ll be fun,” they said.
“We’ve raised four kids already,” we said.
“Piece of cake,” they said.
“We have plenty of experience,” we said.
“You’ve got this,” they said.
“We’ve got this,” we said.
“You can handle it,” they said.
“What cold go wrong,” we said.
If we only knew!
The year I turned forty-five, our youngest daughter, Amelia, was born. Actually, she was born just one day after our 11th anniversary, and five days after my birthday.
Now, I wouldn’t give up my daughter for anything. Or anything else for that matter. But, having a baby at twenty-one is completely different from having one at forty-five.
At 21, you don’t have much experience, but you have a LOT more energy.
At 45, you have patience, but are a LOT less mobile.
At 21, you have to read manuals on child rearing, but you have a LOT more stamina.
At 45, you can write those manuals for others, but you have a LOT less brain activity. Well, it feels like it anyway.
We were there when she arrived, but we didn’t take her home for three weeks.
“Why?” you ask. “Was there something wrong with her? Was she premature?”
The answer is no. To our knowledge, and besides being born with bilateral club feet, she was perfectly healthy.
The reason it took three weeks to bring Amelia home is because she was not born to us, but rather to our niece, who was unable to care for her. And while she is not ours biologically, not that it matters, she is as much a part of our family as our other children.
What does matter to us is that she is ours in our hearts and has been since the first day. Because biology has nothing to do with love.
Raising a child that’s not biological doesn’t stop them from being your child. The love you have for them, the sacrifices you make for them, the home you give them is what makes them your child.
Has it been easy raising a child at our stage of life? Not in the least.
Raising children takes work, at any age, but being older brings its own set of problems.
As with the rest of our children, we did all we could do, and to the best of our ability . And believe me when I say this, it still takes lots of love, and patience, and fortitude, and care, and determination, to raise children in this world.
Maybe more so than it did twenty years ago. But, it’s still worth the effort and sacrifice.
As we plodded along through the days, weeks, months, and years, we had no idea how much our lives would be changed.
We never suspected for a moment what a different challenge this daughter would bring.
Aside form the difficulties of dealing with her club feet (casting, surgery, braces, multiple hours long trips to doctors, sometimes weekly) everything seemed fine.
Then we began to notice that she wasn’t developing when she should have been.
All the typical “firsts” associated with each stage of her life weren’t coming on time. Although some were delayed due to her braces, many weren’t.
After many visits with other doctors, we got a shock. Our little angel was diagnosed with Autism, Sensory Processing Disorder, ADHD and Seizures.
If you have ever raised, or are raising, a special needs child, I applaud you, and pray for you. Because I know how difficult it can be. But, I also know how rewarding it can be.
Which far outweighs the difficulty.
And if you’ve never raised a special needs child, pray for those of us that are, because we need it. Strength, peace, determination, and an open and understanding heart, are just a few things that are desperately needed daily.
Raising our daughter has definitely helped me be more thankful for the milestones that are reached, but it also makes them that much more special when they do come.
It has also helped me learn to not take anything for granted.
I wasn’t sure what to expect when Amelia was diagnosed, and some days I’m still not, but I have learned that, other than delays in milestones and learning, special needs children are no different than “typically” developing children.
They love, laugh, and play. They feel pain, hunger, and tiredness, even if they can’t tell you. They want to be read to, cuddled with (occasionally-when they aren’t biting, scratching, or hair pulling), and comforted (again, occasionally).
Above all else, they want to be accepted for who they are, not made to be something they aren’t.
Are there moments when I feel like I just can’t go on? Yes. Do I give up and get out? No. Why? Because, while life with a child on the spectrum can be difficult at times, it has been no less rewarding than it was raising our other children.
And I wouldn’t trade this time, or my daughter, for anything.
We pray through the tough times. We celebrate the good times. But, most of all, we love, all the time.
Written by, Nathan Bush
Nathan is a hard-working husband to one wonderful wife and father to five amazing kids. He is also a published author and part time blogger. He uses his platform to showcase his different writing styles, and has recently begun blogging about life with a special needs child. Become part of his FANmily. Follow him @ nathanswritingagain.wordpress.
Interested in writing for Finding Cooper’s Voice? LEARN MORE
Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook, subscribe for exclusive videos, and subscribe to our newsletter.
