My Most Important Lesson

I know two things to be true:

My son has severe, debilitating anxiety.

And, it’s not his fault.

I want to say that to you again. So it sinks in.

And while I do, I want you to picture our family. Jamie, me, the boys. Out in the community. Sawyer playing. The baby in his stroller. And one of us holding Cooper. Or chasing Cooper.

It’s clear that he is struggling. It’s clear that we aren’t enjoying ourselves.

Maybe we asked him to walk to the car. Or turn right when he wanted to turn left. Or maybe his wifi died. Who knows. But you can see the signs. A meltdown is coming.

In what appears to be an easy moment for everyone else, my son is struggling. And he is struggling because he has severe, debilitating, screaming, exhausting, frustrating, anxiety that consumes him and at times our whole family.

And, it’s not his fault.

I’m saying this because he is misunderstood. And I’m saying this to remind myself.

My son is not trying to wreck our family dinner or our trip to the park.

He is not trying to make me miss my other son’s tee-ball game.

He is not purposefully trying to prevent us from going to stay in a hotel or visit Grandma’s house at Christmas.

He’s not being bad. Or naughty. Or a brat.

He can’t control his anxiety. It’s a very real thing.

And as much as we are trying to manage it, to help him cope, to give him the tools to live with it…he is not there yet.

And he may never be.

And again, it’s not his fault. It’s no ones fault.

He was born this way.

This is one of the most important lessons I needed to learn as a mama to a little boy with severe, nonverbal autism and anxiety.

My son is not doing this on purpose. And it’s not his fault.

It is what it is.

I am not a monster. I am not a whiner. I am not weak.

Instead, I am a mother who is pretty worn down.

I’m tired of the constant stress and chaos.

And in my breaking moments, when I am lying on my son’s body at the park, or talking him through a meltdown with an audience, or driving away from the rest of my family to calm Cooper down, I get so angry.

And I want to blame someone. I want to know why. I want to know why him. Did I do something wrong? Am I being punished even?

Why us. Why can’t he just sit. Or stand. Why can’t he just be present.

Why is he making this so hard?

Why does he have to run. Scream. Drop to the ground. Roll. Self-injure.

All because of why?

Most of the times I don’t know.

And in those moments of utter weakness, I will think in my head, why is he doing this? Why is this so hard?

And when the dust settles. The meltdown over. The tears wiped dry. The adrenaline down. And hugs exchanged.

I will think about that lesson.

And I will repeat it. Over and over and over again in my head.

My son has severe, debilitating, screaming, exhausting, frustrating, anxiety that consumes him and at times our whole family.

And, it’s not his fault.

It is what it is. This is our life. This is his life. He is struggling. And he needs help.

And it’s no ones fault.

So, as a mom, I need to dig deep, find the hope, focus on the joy and never, ever give up trying to help him cope.

I take it minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, and day-by-day.

That’s what gets me through. That’s what keeps me sane.

Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook, subscribe for exclusive videos, and subscribe to our newsletter.

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