The Moment Autism Changed Me

To My Dear Husband,

I vividly remember our first date. I was 16 years old and you picked me up in a parking lot across the street from my friend’s house so my parents wouldn’t know.

Let’s be honest, it was a disaster.

We went to the movie theater and I paid for our tickets, you awkwardly put your arm around my shoulder for 5 minutes near the end of the movie and we did not speak to each other for years.

You went on to have a beautiful daughter, I became a juvenile delinquent and at some point, life brought us back together again.

I remember the moment you asked me to be your girlfriend. It was 4 years later and I had just gotten home from a 7-hour road trip.

You drunkenly stumbled down the stairs from your friend’s apartment building and so eloquently stated, “You should totally be my girlfriend”. I mean, what gal could say no to that?

I also vividly remember the moment your sister sat us down and told us she believed our son might have Autism.

I knew nothing about Autism but I had had my suspicions for some time that our boy might be different.

For years I had told his doctors that I thought there was something going on with him. He was hardly speaking, having massive meltdowns and would even become aggressive.

Countless doctors reassured me that there was nothing to worry about, so I began to blame myself. I was sure there was something that I was doing that was causing his behavior.

He was 3 and a half years old when we finally received his diagnosis. That was the moment I dove head first into the special needs world and I never looked back

But what I don’t remember was the moment Autism changed me.

The moment I went from the girl you fell in love with to the woman I became. Autism changed me at my core and it was years into our journey before I even acknowledged that this could be a possibility.

There was a long time in our relationship where I thought you were the problem.

When it came to our son’s treatment, you were always easy going and optimistic. You’d come home with a warm smile and a hug, and the last thing I wanted was to be touched.

The early days of therapy for our son were rough. Every minute of my day was scheduled and I had to monitor every word that came out of my mouth.

Some days I’d go to bed with bite marks and scratches covering my body from a mighty 3-year-old who did not want to eat his lunch. I dripped with bitterness and anger and I began to resent you.

I dreamed of long days at the office, mandatory lunch breaks and adult interaction that did not consist of what behavior we would tackle next as a team. We began to drift further apart and our relationship fizzled out, but you never left us.

There’s this thing about you that I will forever admire.

You fight for the things that you want in life and over the years I have come to realize that I am one of them. Through all of the yelling and tears and arguing and hard conversations, you stayed.

You never left when I became so callused I could not even stand my own reflection in the mirror. You did not waver when I began to question our marriage.

You never flinched when therapy became hard or our son’s emotions were too much for even him to handle.

You pulled us up for air when we were all drowning.

You put your needs last to make sure we continued as a functioning unit. Even when I lost myself in Autism, ABA, special education, IEPs, speech therapy, and occupational therapy, you never let me go.

And when we became pregnant with our newest baby boy, you vowed to do it all over again if you had to.

This past year I have begun the journey of finding myself again.

I am breaking down these big walls I have put up and figuring out how to be less rigid. I am making a commitment to learning to be more than a mother and more of a wife. I want to be like the girl you fell in love with again.

I want to go for late night drives with the windows down and the music loud, I want to laugh so hard my sides hurt, and I want to be the partner that you both need and deserve.

You have always been my anchor, the one who keeps me sane when the world is crashing down and I promise not to take that for granted one more day of my life.

I cannot imagine what this journey would have been like without you by my side and every day I thank my lucky stars that you did not walk away even when I pushed you.

So, thank you. Thank you for being obnoxiously silly, overly laid back and annoyingly optimistic.

You make this life worth living every day.

Written by, Marie Mattatall

Originally from Long Beach, CA, Marie Mattatall resides with her family in Apex, NC. She is a stay at home mom who dedicates all of her time to her two boys, ages 6 years old and 7 months old, and 3 fur babies.

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